Friday, July 8, 2011

Some Things are Better Buried...

Another long week is drawing to an end and is heading into a bit of a busy weekend. Finally, my library talk on Australian ghost stories and legends went off without too many hitches on Tuesday. I did enjoy the experience and everyone seemed to enjoy both the presentation and prizes, yet for many reasons I'm just glad I can toss everything back in a box and forget about it.

Now that's not to say I suddenly dislike Australia or have anything against the country. That's certainly not the case. But after a few events earlier this year, the last thing I wanted to do was reflect more on my trip and dust off my box of brochures from my various adventures. I guess you could say there were some bittersweet experience in the months following my big trip. Those fun trust issues I can have from time to time were brought forth in the most severe way yet. I would even hazard to say that the events of this year have permanently altered me. Whether it's for the worse or better is still up in the air.

Normally, I'm a very lax person when it comes to getting over petty disagreements or situations, but there are always exceptions to the rule. I'm not one to hold a permanent grudge on most matters and I've gotten over a good many things over the years (and amazed some friends and exes at how forgiving I can be sometimes). That doesn't mean I always make nice, though. Sometimes, a string of events, behaviors, and issues connect into one big ball of bile that taints something so strongly that you have to either lock it all in some trunk to be shoved between empty rafters in the far recesses of the subconscious... or let it make you bitter.

Bitterness can be a tough thing to shake, but I prefer blocking things out over becoming a grumpy old man.

A lot of people who know and have met me have realized I can appear tranquil on the surface while there's a hurricane going on inside me. I can smile and be friendly with just about anyone—even if I can't stand them—and at other times, that extreme shyness I've battled most of my life can downright paralyze me (yes, even lead me to have a cocktail too many in a social situation to calm my nerves, which usually leads to even more shyness since I don't want to sound like an idiot by opening my mouth with liquor in my system). I can be a very complicated and hard-to-understand individual. And with that, there are plenty of faults which come with the territory. But I do believe in giving people benefit of a doubt. I also have come to expect the same in return; it just doesn't always work out like that.

There's a quote that I love, often attributed to Einstein, which seems to pinpoint the source of so much of my disappointment and bad experiences: “Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.” Sometimes, this stupidity can be downright hilarious. At other times, though, it can be the source of anger, frustration, sadness, or any one of a number of negative emotions. Too often lately, it's been the latter instead of the former. I have to work on bringing the balance back in favor of laughing at all things stupid instead of wishing it were some terminal illness.

In a lot of ways, my inner turmoil has been one of my biggest writing blocks this year. In previous years, being busy with adventure has kept me from getting much written. Having an emotional battle raging through my mind and body might be vastly different, but it produces the same effect. Hopefully, I'll tackle some of this baggage and depression and get things sorted out in time to start some new projects. One thing we can't change is the past; but we can stop looking over our shoulder and focus more on the journey ahead. At this pinnacle in time, I honestly can't say where the next ten years of my life will take me or even where I'll be at the end of it. Hopefully, there will be some more interesting books and projects woven in with the madness. I have ideas in my head and a few good people I consider friends still in my life. Hopefully I'll bring those back to the foreground soon, get back to actively writing more, and start back at making my life an eye-opening, awe-inspiring experience instead of something to cringe at.

1 comment:

Jeanne said...

Hey, sweetie, life has a way of putting obstacles in our paths -- we've all experienced it more or less.
RL has put a damper on my writing, too. Hopefully, I can get past it this year.
Hope RL gets better for you, too!