Ok.. well, everything's better since my last post. Yes, I vent a lot on here. But just to clear up a few misconceptions some readers of my blog tend to have:
1. I'm not that bitter. I'm actually extremely optimistic.. so much it scares me sometimes.
2. I don't ever hate anyone completely. That takes far too much energy. But if you cross me, I'll make sure to get you back when you least expect it.
3. I do tend to think too much and ramble on, but only mentally and on paper. Ok, and when I'm drunk too!
My boyfriend and I have been getting along wonderfully since we talked. I have a tendency of having a "you should know what you did wrong" attitude, which isn't helpful. Half an hour of talking cleared the air about everything. Yesterday, we talked for nearly an hour, and I've never heard him happier. I think the key is talking... like I tell everyone else, even him, and sometimes forget to do myself. I'm a little self-destructive like that. And sometimes a little bitchy. I think we all can be.
Well, the Akron Beacon Journal emailed me. They want to do an article on my paranormal research! WOO HOO!! Finally, a positive article from a legitimate paper!! I've been meaning to call them about doing an article, but they beat me to it. Things are finally on a positive upswing, I guess!!!
Well, I'm off to the airport in a few hours to pick up my sister and her husband. Better make sure the house is all in order. Finally, her dog will calm down I hope. He's been a real prick the past two days. Now I know why everyone around here calls him "No-no Bad Dog". He's the Elton John of dogs, throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way NOW. Oy....
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
System Meltdown in 5,...4,...3,...
Ok, it's venting day for me. I've been housesitting for my sister for this week, til her and her husband get back from their cruise to Mexico. Things have been great, until today... the straw that broke the camel's back.
My boyfriend and I get along blissfully for the most part, except for this part of him that likes to joke and take that joke or teasing as far as he can before the rubber band snaps and hits him square in the ass. Today is one of those days.
It didn't help that I already was feeling nauseous and odd today.. possibly an anxiety attack, but seeing as I've never had one before, I'm not sure if it was one or not. That was enough to help heighten my already frazzled nerves and take me from unamused to a stressed-out heap of mental exhaustion.
He likes jealousy. Part of him thinks it shows love. But there's only so much you can take before you cross over that point of "jealous but playful in a cute way" to downright wrong. He's trying to make friends online. Yes, he does need friends badly. We both do. A social life is something that will make us both feel better. But all the men online who IM him want to sleep with him.
He tells me what they say. Honesty is good. But I guess today's man was too much. He wasn't attractive in the slightest bit. He wanted to meet my boyfriend. They all seem to. And not for a cup of coffee and good conversation either. I do trust my boyfriend, and he's not going to run off and sleep with some guy like that. But there's only so much you can take. I lost it. Broke down. Someone had to use the phone so he needed to get off for a while. So, I took the time to write him a long email. So, here I sit, calming myself down. I stopped myself from crying and chainsmoking finally. It's time for this little game to end. He's never seen me completely lose it before, so I think this'll be a bit of a wake-up call. I'm a very tolerant and patient person, so it takes a lot.
I guess that's what I get for dating a Gemini! Not to mention a stubborn, pig-headed little brat. But you know? I love him anyway. Yes, he gets under my skin, but I do the same thing. We know eachother's buttons and sometimes we push them to see how far it takes. I guess it's the only real way to learn about someone's limits... to breach them. All will be well soon. It's just time to pack up the dice, put away the game, and have a serious heart-to-heart. The good outweighs the bad with him. Actually, the teasing and stubbornness, coupled with utter hatred of change, are the only parts that ever cause trouble. It's not a time to throw in the towel, just time to start explaining where I stand on things so he knows not to do it again.
I guess all men need to be trained in one way or another...
My boyfriend and I get along blissfully for the most part, except for this part of him that likes to joke and take that joke or teasing as far as he can before the rubber band snaps and hits him square in the ass. Today is one of those days.
It didn't help that I already was feeling nauseous and odd today.. possibly an anxiety attack, but seeing as I've never had one before, I'm not sure if it was one or not. That was enough to help heighten my already frazzled nerves and take me from unamused to a stressed-out heap of mental exhaustion.
He likes jealousy. Part of him thinks it shows love. But there's only so much you can take before you cross over that point of "jealous but playful in a cute way" to downright wrong. He's trying to make friends online. Yes, he does need friends badly. We both do. A social life is something that will make us both feel better. But all the men online who IM him want to sleep with him.
He tells me what they say. Honesty is good. But I guess today's man was too much. He wasn't attractive in the slightest bit. He wanted to meet my boyfriend. They all seem to. And not for a cup of coffee and good conversation either. I do trust my boyfriend, and he's not going to run off and sleep with some guy like that. But there's only so much you can take. I lost it. Broke down. Someone had to use the phone so he needed to get off for a while. So, I took the time to write him a long email. So, here I sit, calming myself down. I stopped myself from crying and chainsmoking finally. It's time for this little game to end. He's never seen me completely lose it before, so I think this'll be a bit of a wake-up call. I'm a very tolerant and patient person, so it takes a lot.
I guess that's what I get for dating a Gemini! Not to mention a stubborn, pig-headed little brat. But you know? I love him anyway. Yes, he gets under my skin, but I do the same thing. We know eachother's buttons and sometimes we push them to see how far it takes. I guess it's the only real way to learn about someone's limits... to breach them. All will be well soon. It's just time to pack up the dice, put away the game, and have a serious heart-to-heart. The good outweighs the bad with him. Actually, the teasing and stubbornness, coupled with utter hatred of change, are the only parts that ever cause trouble. It's not a time to throw in the towel, just time to start explaining where I stand on things so he knows not to do it again.
I guess all men need to be trained in one way or another...
Friday, June 17, 2005
The Times That Try Men's Souls
Last night, my boyfriend's cat decided to lay in bed while we were having "a moment". Now, I don't know about any of you, but having an animal lay there and watch you is a very odd feeling. He gets lonely I think.. that and he seems to be jealous of me. I'm stepping into his shoes and taking attention away from him. Poor thing. We'll just have to get him a boyfriend too!
Other than that, tonight's been interesting. Another minor tiff online with the future ex-husband, as I've taken to referring to him! I'm sure he wouldn't find the humor in it. lol He was talking to me, and he tells me everything which is good, but some guy was talking to him about going out with us tomorrow. Someone who asked him out repeatedly in the past. And of course, either he didn't see how that would bother me, or he merely chose to try to see if it would get a rise out of me. It did.
Sometimes, men don't think. I trust him and know we love eachother, but there are those moments where I just want to hit his head into a wall and say "what were you thinking??" His sister and I briefly talked too tonight online. She deals with the same sort of jealousy with her boyfriend. This just might be the beginnings of a friendship between us. Misery does love company!
Ok, I'm not miserable. 95% of our time together or talking is wonderful, it's just the 5% when his brain ceases to function that causes unneeded stress and worry on my part. I honestly think he's just testing me when he does it. He tells me I'm too good for him and I deserve so much more and so much better, so maybe he's seeing if I'll tell him where to shove it and say goodbye. We're both inherently bitchy people at times, so we're bound to have the occasional squabble, but we never sleep angry. Tonight, after everything, he just said "I'm going to bed, hun. I'm sorry. I'm just tired." Which, in real translation with him, means "I'm an asshole so I'm shutting up before I piss you off anymore. Please forgive me and I'll let you have some time to cool off." He's learning fast!
Well, tomorrow's dinner with friends. He'll be nervous for sure. And whether he likes it or not, we'll have a talk at some point. I swear, some men just need to be trained!
Other than that, tonight's been interesting. Another minor tiff online with the future ex-husband, as I've taken to referring to him! I'm sure he wouldn't find the humor in it. lol He was talking to me, and he tells me everything which is good, but some guy was talking to him about going out with us tomorrow. Someone who asked him out repeatedly in the past. And of course, either he didn't see how that would bother me, or he merely chose to try to see if it would get a rise out of me. It did.
Sometimes, men don't think. I trust him and know we love eachother, but there are those moments where I just want to hit his head into a wall and say "what were you thinking??" His sister and I briefly talked too tonight online. She deals with the same sort of jealousy with her boyfriend. This just might be the beginnings of a friendship between us. Misery does love company!
Ok, I'm not miserable. 95% of our time together or talking is wonderful, it's just the 5% when his brain ceases to function that causes unneeded stress and worry on my part. I honestly think he's just testing me when he does it. He tells me I'm too good for him and I deserve so much more and so much better, so maybe he's seeing if I'll tell him where to shove it and say goodbye. We're both inherently bitchy people at times, so we're bound to have the occasional squabble, but we never sleep angry. Tonight, after everything, he just said "I'm going to bed, hun. I'm sorry. I'm just tired." Which, in real translation with him, means "I'm an asshole so I'm shutting up before I piss you off anymore. Please forgive me and I'll let you have some time to cool off." He's learning fast!
Well, tomorrow's dinner with friends. He'll be nervous for sure. And whether he likes it or not, we'll have a talk at some point. I swear, some men just need to be trained!
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Have Your Cake and Eat It Too...
My boyfriend turned 24 saturday. We had a tolerable weekend which would have been better sans the alcohol. We both were a little irritable after a few cocktails, so things didn't go as well as usual, but nothing too serious. I baked him a cake and we ate at almost 1 in the morning, then I was sick the rest of the night. Can't always have perfect days I guess!!
Sunday was better, except for a little attitude on his part and a few beers. He doesn't mix well with alcohol sometimes. Those times are when we seem to butt heads a lot. But still, it's all good. We have good communication and never stay angry more than a few hours, and it's always petty little things. And those are usually brought on my his low confidence and high stress.
In other news, I have a friend who likes me a whole lot. A WHOLE lot. lol He lives in another state, so it's not too bad. I wouldn't dump my boyfriend and run off with someone else like that because I'm no tramp. LOL It's nice for someone to like me, but sometimes he does get a little too strong in his language and it does make me feel a little uncomfortable. I guess since he broke up with his boyfriend this week it's been easier for him to allow himself to start falling for me. Talk about a sticky situation!
Well, people never seem to make sense ever. And the only time guys seem to tell me they like me is when I'm in a relationship. Talk about bad timing!
Sunday was better, except for a little attitude on his part and a few beers. He doesn't mix well with alcohol sometimes. Those times are when we seem to butt heads a lot. But still, it's all good. We have good communication and never stay angry more than a few hours, and it's always petty little things. And those are usually brought on my his low confidence and high stress.
In other news, I have a friend who likes me a whole lot. A WHOLE lot. lol He lives in another state, so it's not too bad. I wouldn't dump my boyfriend and run off with someone else like that because I'm no tramp. LOL It's nice for someone to like me, but sometimes he does get a little too strong in his language and it does make me feel a little uncomfortable. I guess since he broke up with his boyfriend this week it's been easier for him to allow himself to start falling for me. Talk about a sticky situation!
Well, people never seem to make sense ever. And the only time guys seem to tell me they like me is when I'm in a relationship. Talk about bad timing!
Thursday, June 9, 2005
The House of Wax
Being the kind-hearted person I am, I thought I'd share my embarrassment of the week to bring a little laughter to your lives.
Tuesday I went to see the boyfriend and spend some time with him, trying to forget the sweltering heat. His family was having a little barbecue outside, so we had a little time in the house to ourselves. And guess how he wanted to spend that time? Let's just say that day was brought to you by the numbers 6 and 9....
All was well, until right as he was at the point of eruption. I glanced over to see a pair of red shorts in the doorway. His father had walked in. Now, I'm sure this wouldn't phase some people, but I've never been interrupted or walked in on ever before in my entire life, so I was completely embarrassed by this. My boyfriend got a kick out of it. We had a good laugh, and I didn't leave the room for the rest of the evening!
Later on, we got on the topic of hair. Body hair. Ok, touchy subject with me. I do have some hairy patches on my back (poor genetics, ugh) and I wanted them gone, and he agreed, of course. So, we decided to test the wax he had (he has more beauty supplies than Brini Maxwell) and the test spot was selected: my eyebrows. No, I DID NOT get rid of them! He "shaped" them. It was fine; it didn't hurt or anything. So, with a feeling of confidence in his talents, I decided to take the plunge.
Funny thing about wax: if it's too thick, it's like pouring glue on yourself and peeling it off with a spatula. After 2 hours and a lot of intense pain, I had a red welt on my shoulder blade and not much else to show for it. I love him to death, but I think I'll get it professionally done. Either that or just take a bunch of duct tape and rip it off. Much easier!!
The whole thing was so absurd I spent most of the time laughing hard into the shirt my face was buried in. He kept worrying that I was crying. No, I just felt like a moron! LOL In sure in a few years we'll be sitting around our own place, rolling on the floor with laughter, remembering that crazy summer and the incident with the Avon wax. It will become an immortal story throughout the family, no doubt!
Tuesday I went to see the boyfriend and spend some time with him, trying to forget the sweltering heat. His family was having a little barbecue outside, so we had a little time in the house to ourselves. And guess how he wanted to spend that time? Let's just say that day was brought to you by the numbers 6 and 9....
All was well, until right as he was at the point of eruption. I glanced over to see a pair of red shorts in the doorway. His father had walked in. Now, I'm sure this wouldn't phase some people, but I've never been interrupted or walked in on ever before in my entire life, so I was completely embarrassed by this. My boyfriend got a kick out of it. We had a good laugh, and I didn't leave the room for the rest of the evening!
Later on, we got on the topic of hair. Body hair. Ok, touchy subject with me. I do have some hairy patches on my back (poor genetics, ugh) and I wanted them gone, and he agreed, of course. So, we decided to test the wax he had (he has more beauty supplies than Brini Maxwell) and the test spot was selected: my eyebrows. No, I DID NOT get rid of them! He "shaped" them. It was fine; it didn't hurt or anything. So, with a feeling of confidence in his talents, I decided to take the plunge.
Funny thing about wax: if it's too thick, it's like pouring glue on yourself and peeling it off with a spatula. After 2 hours and a lot of intense pain, I had a red welt on my shoulder blade and not much else to show for it. I love him to death, but I think I'll get it professionally done. Either that or just take a bunch of duct tape and rip it off. Much easier!!
The whole thing was so absurd I spent most of the time laughing hard into the shirt my face was buried in. He kept worrying that I was crying. No, I just felt like a moron! LOL In sure in a few years we'll be sitting around our own place, rolling on the floor with laughter, remembering that crazy summer and the incident with the Avon wax. It will become an immortal story throughout the family, no doubt!
Monday, June 6, 2005
*pant, pant* Water... WATER!!! *pant, pant*
A word of advice: If it's 82 degrees outside, with blistering sun beating down, no shade, and you don't have a water bottle handy... DON'T GO ON A 3 MILE HIKE!!!
I'm still a blond, though. I do stupid things like this.
I should've stopped when I felt chills and stopped sweating, but do I? Nooo. Must get to water! One mile to go! Heat stroke? What's that, some kind of masturbation technique??
Other than that, I'm finally getting on the ball with my website again, resurrecting it from its coma. And I'm redesigning a friend's website too. Nothing like a creative outlet to make you feel a little more alive.
Ok, so I'm just pretending to live. What's it to you??
Time to shower and get down to business...
I'm still a blond, though. I do stupid things like this.
I should've stopped when I felt chills and stopped sweating, but do I? Nooo. Must get to water! One mile to go! Heat stroke? What's that, some kind of masturbation technique??
Other than that, I'm finally getting on the ball with my website again, resurrecting it from its coma. And I'm redesigning a friend's website too. Nothing like a creative outlet to make you feel a little more alive.
Ok, so I'm just pretending to live. What's it to you??
Time to shower and get down to business...
Saturday, June 4, 2005
Back Off, Horny Bitches!!
Ok, I need to vent badly right now before I completely go mental.
The day was going ok... well, hot as all hell and trying not to sweat to death, but still I'm not complaining about that. No. Not the weather. Just the boyfriend.
Some guy IMed him and wanted to go have sex with him. I'm sure to some people this would be viewed as a compliment that I have some desireable man and I guess in some way it is, but what the fuck is wrong with people? Christ, doesn't anyone ever read a profile in their life?? Yes, I trust him and he tells me any time it happens so it would be different if he were sneaking around cheating on me or something, but there are only so many times you can stand hearing about someone wanting your other half. And to make things even better for me, he sits there slightly buzzed off a few drinks and doesn't say didly squat to me, except for the "love you" every 10 minutes (whenever someone sayd "love you" like that, it always makes me suspicious in that "are you trying to say it in an apology kind of way for something you're doing?" kind of thing. Just my nature.), it makes a man feel like utter crap.
I know I talk with my friends about how much men suck most of the time, but people don't have to prove me right!
Ok, yeah, maybe I'm overly paranoid or something. But if you were cheated on less than a month ago, you probably would be too (if you hadn't picked him up and thrown him off the second-story balcony.) I know he sometimes doesn't think at all when he drinks. I don't expect him to be perfect. he tells me every time I get worried that he's not going to cheat on me (again.) But dammit all to hell, this boy has ZERO TACT! He doesn't have the ability to calm me down or make me feel at peace or any such thing unless he's right next to me. I think his mind and voice are independent of eachother. He'll say something about someone wanting him and him not doing anything, then the next minute he'll talk about how bad this guy wants him and that he won't leave him alone. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, love is sometimes stress. It shouldn't be. It should be wonderful. But you know something? No relationship is perfect. So my boyfriend is an idiot sometimes. At least he admits to it!
Oy veh. I swear I'll have high blood pressure by the end of the year if I don't have it already. I think we'll have to have another long talk when I see him next. For someone not going into chatrooms he gets an awful lot of IM's. True, they could be from when he was going in chatrooms a lot before we met, but still.
Well, I sometimes get accosted myself, so I can understand both sides. A good friend of mine's ex decided to contact me, even though he knows I'm seeing someone. Gave me his phone number too. I've "been warned" though. I'm happy in my relationship (hey! don't laugh! Aside from stupid moments like this, I'm very happy!) If some guy even tried to step beyond friendship with me like that, he wouldn't need to worry about getting any cause I'd chop off his dick and cram it so far up his ass, he'd be permanently fucked. Literally.
It's amazing how right before Pride, when we're supposed to be celebrating who we are, I feel like shooting every man within a 100 mile radius online who is gay for being who they are.
Whew, ok, I'm done venting. But really, I'm a nice, sweet person, dammit!! LOL
The day was going ok... well, hot as all hell and trying not to sweat to death, but still I'm not complaining about that. No. Not the weather. Just the boyfriend.
Some guy IMed him and wanted to go have sex with him. I'm sure to some people this would be viewed as a compliment that I have some desireable man and I guess in some way it is, but what the fuck is wrong with people? Christ, doesn't anyone ever read a profile in their life?? Yes, I trust him and he tells me any time it happens so it would be different if he were sneaking around cheating on me or something, but there are only so many times you can stand hearing about someone wanting your other half. And to make things even better for me, he sits there slightly buzzed off a few drinks and doesn't say didly squat to me, except for the "love you" every 10 minutes (whenever someone sayd "love you" like that, it always makes me suspicious in that "are you trying to say it in an apology kind of way for something you're doing?" kind of thing. Just my nature.), it makes a man feel like utter crap.
I know I talk with my friends about how much men suck most of the time, but people don't have to prove me right!
Ok, yeah, maybe I'm overly paranoid or something. But if you were cheated on less than a month ago, you probably would be too (if you hadn't picked him up and thrown him off the second-story balcony.) I know he sometimes doesn't think at all when he drinks. I don't expect him to be perfect. he tells me every time I get worried that he's not going to cheat on me (again.) But dammit all to hell, this boy has ZERO TACT! He doesn't have the ability to calm me down or make me feel at peace or any such thing unless he's right next to me. I think his mind and voice are independent of eachother. He'll say something about someone wanting him and him not doing anything, then the next minute he'll talk about how bad this guy wants him and that he won't leave him alone. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, love is sometimes stress. It shouldn't be. It should be wonderful. But you know something? No relationship is perfect. So my boyfriend is an idiot sometimes. At least he admits to it!
Oy veh. I swear I'll have high blood pressure by the end of the year if I don't have it already. I think we'll have to have another long talk when I see him next. For someone not going into chatrooms he gets an awful lot of IM's. True, they could be from when he was going in chatrooms a lot before we met, but still.
Well, I sometimes get accosted myself, so I can understand both sides. A good friend of mine's ex decided to contact me, even though he knows I'm seeing someone. Gave me his phone number too. I've "been warned" though. I'm happy in my relationship (hey! don't laugh! Aside from stupid moments like this, I'm very happy!) If some guy even tried to step beyond friendship with me like that, he wouldn't need to worry about getting any cause I'd chop off his dick and cram it so far up his ass, he'd be permanently fucked. Literally.
It's amazing how right before Pride, when we're supposed to be celebrating who we are, I feel like shooting every man within a 100 mile radius online who is gay for being who they are.
Whew, ok, I'm done venting. But really, I'm a nice, sweet person, dammit!! LOL
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
Pride and Remembrance
Well, June is finally here! Warm weather, scantily clad men, and outdoor activities. Ok, so sometimes the latter two are one in the same!
I'm making plans to go to Cleveland Pride on June 18th, with boyfriend in tow. I haven't spent enough time in the gay community lately and the straight world is beginningto annoy me. No, I don't have some vendetta against straight people. It's a matter of "comfort zone". Having to tiptoe around things around a bunch of idiotic people or have people clam up when they find out I'm gay is just too crazy for me. I just feel like I can relax better around "my own kind"... even if they can stab you in the back sometimes! LOL But hey, that's all people.
Well, with June back, my mind goes back to a friend of mine I lost 3 years ago to suicide: Chris. I took his death pretty hard, even though we were kind of distant in the year bafore that. Ever since we both left Kent State I would only get to see him once in a great while. He was a wonderful boy. Sweet, funny, smart.. everything most of us look for in a friend as well as a relationship. Yes, even though i generally don't care much for blondes, I would've married that boy if he asked me to.
Next month, I really need to go back to his grave and leave flowers some time. No more shock and disbelief. Time to accept that he's really gone and remember the good times... Victor, Victoria.... vodka and cranberry... wasting time in the LGBU office... watching the hot boys out the second story window...
This summer is going to be good and fun no matter what. Some people remind us how short life really can be. It's time to snap out of it and make life something thrilling.
I'm making plans to go to Cleveland Pride on June 18th, with boyfriend in tow. I haven't spent enough time in the gay community lately and the straight world is beginningto annoy me. No, I don't have some vendetta against straight people. It's a matter of "comfort zone". Having to tiptoe around things around a bunch of idiotic people or have people clam up when they find out I'm gay is just too crazy for me. I just feel like I can relax better around "my own kind"... even if they can stab you in the back sometimes! LOL But hey, that's all people.
Well, with June back, my mind goes back to a friend of mine I lost 3 years ago to suicide: Chris. I took his death pretty hard, even though we were kind of distant in the year bafore that. Ever since we both left Kent State I would only get to see him once in a great while. He was a wonderful boy. Sweet, funny, smart.. everything most of us look for in a friend as well as a relationship. Yes, even though i generally don't care much for blondes, I would've married that boy if he asked me to.
Next month, I really need to go back to his grave and leave flowers some time. No more shock and disbelief. Time to accept that he's really gone and remember the good times... Victor, Victoria.... vodka and cranberry... wasting time in the LGBU office... watching the hot boys out the second story window...
This summer is going to be good and fun no matter what. Some people remind us how short life really can be. It's time to snap out of it and make life something thrilling.
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