I have never been so happily miserable before in life. Lately, the husband's been on a marijuana binge, so to speak. For nearly two weeks now, from the time he wakes up til the time he goes to bed, he's smoking almost constantly. Honestly, I don't know what to do about it anymore.
Whenever alcohol or pot is involved, we fight like cats and dogs. Today, after being bitched at all morning long over anything (not intentionally though... I was simply the best target for his morning crankiness) and staring at that smug dope-induced grin staring down at me while I was hurting inside, I snapped. He was on top of me so I grabbed his hair to get him off me. Of course, to him, I had done something wrong unprovoked. He always says "I didn't do anything", and sometimes I believe he truly feels that way.
But other times, it's almost as if he's intentionally doing and saying things to push me so far I snap and walk out on him forever. I've tried my best to understand him and I came up with the realization that I can't right now. It's like beong with a wild mustang I'm trying to tame, but in the act of trying to break him in, it's breaking myself. No one I have ever known can bring out the anger and frustration I sometimes feel. Honestly, either I need counseling, he does, or we both do. I tend to agree more with the latter. In the mean time, I'm going to try to get back into the routine of having a world outside of him. Him being everything to me isn't very healthy. I've been neglecting my world too much in the effort of making him see the world outside of our existance. In trying to stop him from escaping through substances and seeing the things that can change our perceptions, I've shut everything else out, even the things I love doing. And I'm sure everyone around me sees that all too clearly.
Today is a day that everything changed for a lot of people. September 11th. It's also the day my last boyfriend and I ended out three-year relationship. I guess you could say something bad was bound to happen on this day, but I intend on making the negative a positive. Something has to change, and for the better.