Ok, I need to vent badly right now before I completely go mental.
The day was going ok... well, hot as all hell and trying not to sweat to death, but still I'm not complaining about that. No. Not the weather. Just the boyfriend.
Some guy IMed him and wanted to go have sex with him. I'm sure to some people this would be viewed as a compliment that I have some desireable man and I guess in some way it is, but what the fuck is wrong with people? Christ, doesn't anyone ever read a profile in their life?? Yes, I trust him and he tells me any time it happens so it would be different if he were sneaking around cheating on me or something, but there are only so many times you can stand hearing about someone wanting your other half. And to make things even better for me, he sits there slightly buzzed off a few drinks and doesn't say didly squat to me, except for the "love you" every 10 minutes (whenever someone sayd "love you" like that, it always makes me suspicious in that "are you trying to say it in an apology kind of way for something you're doing?" kind of thing. Just my nature.), it makes a man feel like utter crap.
I know I talk with my friends about how much men suck most of the time, but people don't have to prove me right!
Ok, yeah, maybe I'm overly paranoid or something. But if you were cheated on less than a month ago, you probably would be too (if you hadn't picked him up and thrown him off the second-story balcony.) I know he sometimes doesn't think at all when he drinks. I don't expect him to be perfect. he tells me every time I get worried that he's not going to cheat on me (again.) But dammit all to hell, this boy has ZERO TACT! He doesn't have the ability to calm me down or make me feel at peace or any such thing unless he's right next to me. I think his mind and voice are independent of eachother. He'll say something about someone wanting him and him not doing anything, then the next minute he'll talk about how bad this guy wants him and that he won't leave him alone. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, love is sometimes stress. It shouldn't be. It should be wonderful. But you know something? No relationship is perfect. So my boyfriend is an idiot sometimes. At least he admits to it!
Oy veh. I swear I'll have high blood pressure by the end of the year if I don't have it already. I think we'll have to have another long talk when I see him next. For someone not going into chatrooms he gets an awful lot of IM's. True, they could be from when he was going in chatrooms a lot before we met, but still.
Well, I sometimes get accosted myself, so I can understand both sides. A good friend of mine's ex decided to contact me, even though he knows I'm seeing someone. Gave me his phone number too. I've "been warned" though. I'm happy in my relationship (hey! don't laugh! Aside from stupid moments like this, I'm very happy!) If some guy even tried to step beyond friendship with me like that, he wouldn't need to worry about getting any cause I'd chop off his dick and cram it so far up his ass, he'd be permanently fucked. Literally.
It's amazing how right before Pride, when we're supposed to be celebrating who we are, I feel like shooting every man within a 100 mile radius online who is gay for being who they are.
Whew, ok, I'm done venting. But really, I'm a nice, sweet person, dammit!! LOL
Saturday, June 4, 2005
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
Pride and Remembrance
Well, June is finally here! Warm weather, scantily clad men, and outdoor activities. Ok, so sometimes the latter two are one in the same!
I'm making plans to go to Cleveland Pride on June 18th, with boyfriend in tow. I haven't spent enough time in the gay community lately and the straight world is beginningto annoy me. No, I don't have some vendetta against straight people. It's a matter of "comfort zone". Having to tiptoe around things around a bunch of idiotic people or have people clam up when they find out I'm gay is just too crazy for me. I just feel like I can relax better around "my own kind"... even if they can stab you in the back sometimes! LOL But hey, that's all people.
Well, with June back, my mind goes back to a friend of mine I lost 3 years ago to suicide: Chris. I took his death pretty hard, even though we were kind of distant in the year bafore that. Ever since we both left Kent State I would only get to see him once in a great while. He was a wonderful boy. Sweet, funny, smart.. everything most of us look for in a friend as well as a relationship. Yes, even though i generally don't care much for blondes, I would've married that boy if he asked me to.
Next month, I really need to go back to his grave and leave flowers some time. No more shock and disbelief. Time to accept that he's really gone and remember the good times... Victor, Victoria.... vodka and cranberry... wasting time in the LGBU office... watching the hot boys out the second story window...
This summer is going to be good and fun no matter what. Some people remind us how short life really can be. It's time to snap out of it and make life something thrilling.
I'm making plans to go to Cleveland Pride on June 18th, with boyfriend in tow. I haven't spent enough time in the gay community lately and the straight world is beginningto annoy me. No, I don't have some vendetta against straight people. It's a matter of "comfort zone". Having to tiptoe around things around a bunch of idiotic people or have people clam up when they find out I'm gay is just too crazy for me. I just feel like I can relax better around "my own kind"... even if they can stab you in the back sometimes! LOL But hey, that's all people.
Well, with June back, my mind goes back to a friend of mine I lost 3 years ago to suicide: Chris. I took his death pretty hard, even though we were kind of distant in the year bafore that. Ever since we both left Kent State I would only get to see him once in a great while. He was a wonderful boy. Sweet, funny, smart.. everything most of us look for in a friend as well as a relationship. Yes, even though i generally don't care much for blondes, I would've married that boy if he asked me to.
Next month, I really need to go back to his grave and leave flowers some time. No more shock and disbelief. Time to accept that he's really gone and remember the good times... Victor, Victoria.... vodka and cranberry... wasting time in the LGBU office... watching the hot boys out the second story window...
This summer is going to be good and fun no matter what. Some people remind us how short life really can be. It's time to snap out of it and make life something thrilling.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Insomniac vs. Nymphomaniac
Eeek. Almost 4 AM. I can't sleep for 3 hours and wake up on time, so it looks like I'm staying up for a while. Where's a 24-hour Starbucks when you need one???
Today I successfully avoided accomplishing anything I set out to do. Well, I was sidetracked by a bored friend and ended up going to a bonfire. Who knew?
This weekend ended up being more interesting than I bargained for. It was my turn to make an oops in my relationship. Ryan made dinner for us and waited. I didn't show. So, he was a little upset to say the least. Come on.. he's never surprised me, let alone remembered when I was coming over! The one time I expect him to be a flake he isn't. Such luck!!
But being the devoted, loyal bitch that I am, I went over. Filet mignon. Not bad for someone who claims he can't cook. Then, of course, his libido kicked in, and as much as it pained me to do it, we spent the rest of the night in bed.
I know. So terrible. Pity me!
But really, sex isn't everything to me. But hey, he went from mediocre to "oh my god, where did you learn to do that???" in a month, so I'm not complaining about his overactive sex drive. He finally learned that I'm going to pester him until he actually starts talking and learning conversational skills, so we can actually hold a good conversation now without him saying "I dunno" or "okay" every 30 seconds. These darn youngins. Have to teach them everything!
Don't mind me. Delirium is kicking in. I'll shut up while I'm still making some sense! Mr. Coffee is calling me... time to begin my torrid affair!
Today I successfully avoided accomplishing anything I set out to do. Well, I was sidetracked by a bored friend and ended up going to a bonfire. Who knew?
This weekend ended up being more interesting than I bargained for. It was my turn to make an oops in my relationship. Ryan made dinner for us and waited. I didn't show. So, he was a little upset to say the least. Come on.. he's never surprised me, let alone remembered when I was coming over! The one time I expect him to be a flake he isn't. Such luck!!
But being the devoted, loyal bitch that I am, I went over. Filet mignon. Not bad for someone who claims he can't cook. Then, of course, his libido kicked in, and as much as it pained me to do it, we spent the rest of the night in bed.
I know. So terrible. Pity me!
But really, sex isn't everything to me. But hey, he went from mediocre to "oh my god, where did you learn to do that???" in a month, so I'm not complaining about his overactive sex drive. He finally learned that I'm going to pester him until he actually starts talking and learning conversational skills, so we can actually hold a good conversation now without him saying "I dunno" or "okay" every 30 seconds. These darn youngins. Have to teach them everything!
Don't mind me. Delirium is kicking in. I'll shut up while I'm still making some sense! Mr. Coffee is calling me... time to begin my torrid affair!
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Look, Mom! No Clothes!!
Well, we have hit rock bottom in the news department today: a mother is facing criminal charges for hiring a stripper for her son's 16th birthday party. Perhaps I'm completely mental, but I don't understand what's so wrong with this.
What, you say, am I crazy?? No. Hardly.
Sexuality is the most repressed thing in this country. We're taught that sex is a shameful act never to be committed unless it's for the necessity of procreation, sealed with the bond of marriage. HOGWASH! It's a recreational activity to many, not to mention a way of showing love. If sex were truly only to have children, 99% of the sex happening in the world today would cease! What's so wrong with having pleasure in life??
But I digress. Now for the next shocking statement: this particular case has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX.
Surprised? I thought you might be. Strippers not relating to sex? Allow me to explain.
This all boils down to one thing: nudity. And not even COMPLETE nudity. Now I ask you, what does nudity have to do with sex? This fundamental question is why there are nudists. Our good ol' Puritain ancestors instilled in us the notion that any time someone is naked, it means they are going to have sex or are performing an ultimate sin. How stupid can you get??? Go to any other country in the world and they understand the difference between the naked human body and sex. Why are we still caught in the dark ages?? Nudity is the most natural thing in the world, quite literally. We're simply trained to believe that if we're naked we're vulnerable and should be ashamed and guilt-ridden. To be naked is to be "uncivilized" and "savage". How utterly absurd!
So, back to strippers. What's wrong with a 16 year old boy filled with hormones getting to see a little extra flesh? Probably as much as he sees in a Victoria Secret catalog, if he hasn't borrowed one of his father's stashed pornos? Absolutely nothing. He wasn't raping someone. He wasn't meeting an escort or prostitute. He was going to be fully clothed at all times.
Now I ask you: what's the harm in that?
What, you say, am I crazy?? No. Hardly.
Sexuality is the most repressed thing in this country. We're taught that sex is a shameful act never to be committed unless it's for the necessity of procreation, sealed with the bond of marriage. HOGWASH! It's a recreational activity to many, not to mention a way of showing love. If sex were truly only to have children, 99% of the sex happening in the world today would cease! What's so wrong with having pleasure in life??
But I digress. Now for the next shocking statement: this particular case has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX.
Surprised? I thought you might be. Strippers not relating to sex? Allow me to explain.
This all boils down to one thing: nudity. And not even COMPLETE nudity. Now I ask you, what does nudity have to do with sex? This fundamental question is why there are nudists. Our good ol' Puritain ancestors instilled in us the notion that any time someone is naked, it means they are going to have sex or are performing an ultimate sin. How stupid can you get??? Go to any other country in the world and they understand the difference between the naked human body and sex. Why are we still caught in the dark ages?? Nudity is the most natural thing in the world, quite literally. We're simply trained to believe that if we're naked we're vulnerable and should be ashamed and guilt-ridden. To be naked is to be "uncivilized" and "savage". How utterly absurd!
So, back to strippers. What's wrong with a 16 year old boy filled with hormones getting to see a little extra flesh? Probably as much as he sees in a Victoria Secret catalog, if he hasn't borrowed one of his father's stashed pornos? Absolutely nothing. He wasn't raping someone. He wasn't meeting an escort or prostitute. He was going to be fully clothed at all times.
Now I ask you: what's the harm in that?
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Poor Judgement and Pitfalls
Ok... it's been a long time since my last post, and a very insane month to boot. Obviously, I'm not going to mention every last detail of the past few weeks because there's too much for one entry, but I'll mention bits and pieces and backdate some entries I wrote over the past few weeks.
Life is good though. I quit smoking.... theoretically, at least! I went 3 weeks without a cigarette, and was fine until tuesday when my boyfriend came clean and told me he cheated on me with a straight guy at a bar when he was trashed. Some people might think I'm insane for it, but I didn't dump him. We talked about it. I understand his wraped rationale for why he did what he did. No, it doesn't make it right, but it doesn't make it go away either. I was crushed. But we're all human. We all make mistakes in momentary lapses of intelligence. I love the guy. Simply put.
It's interesting to know what love does to you sometimes. Times you always say "I'd kill the SOB" seem to go over differently than you'd expect. Sometimes, you just have to forgive people for doing some things and move on. Dwelling on the wrongs you've done to eachother is unproductive and childish. A drunken night of seduction is just as amusing as flying steak knives in some ways. We all do things we wouldn't normally do sometimes.
I guess I realized I don't hold any grudges against anyone anymore. Life's too short for prolonged catfights and tantrums. So the old roommate and you had a fight and resorted to namecalling. So your old boyfriend played headgames with you long after you broke up and he went back to the military. So you kept a few key things of an old flames and considered blackmailing him with them. So you moved and left material objects behind you'll never see again. So WHAT? The point is we'll never fully understand other people or ourselves. Everything that happens in life is meant to teach you something. Those who learn from them go somewhere with their lives. Those who sit in their little world and fester like some sore never become anything other than what they always have been... which in reality isn't much of anything.
Live life, enjoy what you have, become what you dream of, and forgive others as well as yourself. You'd be amazed how far a little kindness can go in a world of competition and vanity.
Life is good though. I quit smoking.... theoretically, at least! I went 3 weeks without a cigarette, and was fine until tuesday when my boyfriend came clean and told me he cheated on me with a straight guy at a bar when he was trashed. Some people might think I'm insane for it, but I didn't dump him. We talked about it. I understand his wraped rationale for why he did what he did. No, it doesn't make it right, but it doesn't make it go away either. I was crushed. But we're all human. We all make mistakes in momentary lapses of intelligence. I love the guy. Simply put.
It's interesting to know what love does to you sometimes. Times you always say "I'd kill the SOB" seem to go over differently than you'd expect. Sometimes, you just have to forgive people for doing some things and move on. Dwelling on the wrongs you've done to eachother is unproductive and childish. A drunken night of seduction is just as amusing as flying steak knives in some ways. We all do things we wouldn't normally do sometimes.
I guess I realized I don't hold any grudges against anyone anymore. Life's too short for prolonged catfights and tantrums. So the old roommate and you had a fight and resorted to namecalling. So your old boyfriend played headgames with you long after you broke up and he went back to the military. So you kept a few key things of an old flames and considered blackmailing him with them. So you moved and left material objects behind you'll never see again. So WHAT? The point is we'll never fully understand other people or ourselves. Everything that happens in life is meant to teach you something. Those who learn from them go somewhere with their lives. Those who sit in their little world and fester like some sore never become anything other than what they always have been... which in reality isn't much of anything.
Live life, enjoy what you have, become what you dream of, and forgive others as well as yourself. You'd be amazed how far a little kindness can go in a world of competition and vanity.
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