Wednesday, December 14, 2005

'Tis the Season to Be Bitchy...

So it's been a little while since I've updated. What do you expect? It's the holiday season. (For those offended by my lack of the use of "Christmas", you need to reevaluate your priorities in life.)

Even though I'm looking forward to presents, fireside cuddling, and honey-baked ham, I'll be glad when life goes back to normal. Between the extra work hours and sleepless nights, I've been on my last nerve for a few weeks now. Overtime is now mandatory, and as people get irritated and quit, we have to take up the slack... and not get anything to show for it. All I want is to be able to relax and enjpy the holidays for the first time in nearly 4 years... but is that a possibility? No.

And that's not the worst part. My boyfriend and I have been at eachother's throats. Between caring for his sick mother, me taking work home with me, and both of us aggrivated by the lack of time spent together (usually 3 hours twice a week... maybe a whole 24 hours on the weekend), our stress levels are through the roof-and every small thing turns into a quarrel. We have some good moments, but it's been a rough haul.

I'm barely finished with my shopping, haven't even started baking, and am too tired to bother getting things I've been neglecting finished. Hopefully things will calm down... and I'll buy myself a camcorder... so I can begin to enjoy life again after the 26th.

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Blah, Blah, Blah

Ok. I think we all know someone like this. The friend who's so wrapped up in thoughts of a man they want that that's all they talk about or think about. I have my own nightmare.. I mean friend... like this.

Having a crush is fine. Being in love is fine. But be IN the relationship or just fantasize. He's insanely in love with someone he dated for a month about a year ago and has been talking to maybe a couple times a week. Absurd? I think so. Crazy? You bet your ass...

What's most frustrating is all he'll listen to is words of encouragement or false hopes. He's so blinded that anything resembling the truth is grounds for dismissal. I don't mind friends talking about someone, justkeep it within the bounds of reality and not some pipe dream.

Other than that, I'm working on catching up on sleep. Stress is dissipating somewhat, and I do miss having a social life instead of the hermit-like existance I've been leading. I'm hoping to make plans near the weekend with some friends, since it's been an eternity since my last "usual friday night" and I have to set aside time for the husband too. He's going nuts with his mother being ill and running him ragged so he's been on edge lately. Of course, going through withdrawal isn't helping that. He can't hide behind a joint or bottle anymore so that makes him 10 times more bitchy when he feels backed into a corner.

Isn't a good dose of reality grand? LOL

Saturday, October 29, 2005

History Will Teach Us Nothing

Ok, so I haven't been posting on this lately. Sue me.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Not much is new here. My boyfriend swore off drinking, and aside from a couple slip-ups, he's been sticking to it. We've both been stressed lately so it's been a rough haul. Certain not-so-good people are out of the picture now, and I'm glad. Even though some certain emails have had the mark of the beast on them, I'm letting the drama some people are trying to circulate die in its origins. If people try to make my life miserable, they won't succeed.

I've started writing a bit again, which is a welcomed change. I've been away from it for too long. Lately, I've been neglecting too many things in the attempt to make everyone happy. And, of course, my own happiness has suffered from it. Though I'd like everything to be perfect, I know that won't happen all the time.

There have been some rough times and hurt feelings lately, and not all of it has been intentional. I feel sometimes like some people have a problem with my boyfriend because of the past, but none of us are perfect. He's done a lot wrong and made a lot of mistakes, but he's working on changing his life for the better. I just wish the past would stay there, but the past is an inescapable horror sometimes that we're all doomed to have hanging over us. All we can do is press onward and hope for the best.

In three weeks, my boyfriend and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary. Hopefully it will be a good one. I'm hoping to figure out something special for that day involving our friends, as well as some alone time for us. It's been a rough year, but we've survived it all. I do believe there's cause to celebrate. And yes, it seems as though lately we've been inseparable. In many ways, we have become a united front. I do still enjoy my time to myself, but we both feel like we don't get to spend enough time together still. That may not always be something people are happy with, but when you have no social life, you don't want to be social while the husband sits at home staring at a wall. Neither of us are happy being left out.

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Feeling the Itch

Another long week has come and gone... or has it?

The past weekend was a doozie. The boyfriend's been a big ball of stress, not sure what to do, feeling trapped, feeling the weight of the world on him, and losing it at every turn. It's been a challenge to stand beside him through it all, but I know he needs the support. Sunday, I noticed a few pimples forming, and thought the stress was finally taking its toll on my body.

Monday morning, pimples were forming all over my forehead. That night, I felt feverish and had trouble sleeping. By tuesday,my face was covered with red bumps. Would it ever end?? I thought I was turning into a pubescent child again. My boyfriend swore it must be an allergic reaction, since they weren't coming to a head. Last night was rough and the worrying set in for me. I finally decided to call off work to go to the doctors today.

I sat and waited in the office, now expecting the worst. I had already diagnosed myself in my mind, and my nightmare was true: it wasn't pimples, it was chicken pox. I was shown around like a lab rat to a med student, since pox are as rare as polio anymore with all the vaccines out there. Then, after being lead out the emergency exit to avoid exposing anyone in the waiting area, headed over to get my meds. Five days of pills and no contact with anyone until it dries up. I'm determined to be better by the weekend if it kills me, so we'll have to see how that goes. The itching is driving me insane and I hope I have a chance to see the boyfriend this weekend. I'll have to play that by ear...

I know i said I needed a vacation, but this isn't what I meant!!!

"God always has another cream pie up his sleeve."
- 'Georgie Girl'

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Agony of Defeet (sic)

Another weekend has come and gone. Although this one was far more dull than most others. With my family out of town, I was caught in the clutches of cat sitting for the better part of the weekend, feeling trapped and confined and wishing I were anywhere but home. Both myself and my boyfriend were frustrated that we didn't get hardly any time to spend together, so it's made for a difficult start to the week.

Yesterday, we did head out to the mall after work for a little shopping. I finally made an important purchase: new shoes! Sketchers were on sale, and he convinced me to go with brown, after a long debate over whether or not it would "clash" with any of my clothing. I gave in and bought them anyway. We then had dinner at Friday's and headed back for home, after visiting his mother in the hospital.

That night, he had a bit of a breakdown in front of me. The stress of his family and feeling like he hasn't accomplished anything yet in his life finally sent him over, ranting and raving and losing his temper at everything. I was patient and finally calmed him down. We talked for a good hour about everything going on in his mind and mine. The rest of the night went smoothly, before another early morning of me going off to work. Such is the life of a bread-winner, I guess!

Today's been rather difficult for me though. We talk every day on the phone when I get home from work. Today shouldn't have been any exception, except for a glitch: his phone at home has been "temporarily disconnected"; in other words, with his mother in the hospital, no one bothered to pay the phone bill. So, for the past several hours, I've been trying to keep my mind off of worrying about if he's ok. Knowing how stressed he already is, combined with his one lifeline cut off, and adding in the fact that his friend Nick cancelled on him without telling him... I tend to fear the worst. I'm hoping he went to visit his mother in the hospital and tell her about the phone, possibly call his father from there and inform him, so it can be turned back on. Otherwise, all I can do is wait until either tomorrow or Friday when i get a chance to see him again. I know he wouldn't do anything stupid, but I fear for his sanity above all else. He has no means of escape at this very moment... no drugs, alcohol, car, phone, internet, reliable friends,...

I just hope when I get to see him soon he's relatively stable and not a mental case. To add to it, my friend Steve called and left a message that he was heading to the hospital-and from my experience with him, that's never a good thing. Needless to say, sleep might be a difficult option for me tonight. So much going on, and not a damned thing I can do about any of it....

Thursday, September 15, 2005

By The Pricking of My Thumbs...

Well, all in all, this hasn't been a perfect day. I'm cat sitting for the weekend (thrilling, I know) and that means I have no definite plans and can't stay away for too long any day for my three-day weekend. It won't be too bad, though. I'll be able to get outside, weather permitting, and if a miracle happens, I might be able to see the boyfriend at some point over the weekend (which is doubtful, since his friend Nick is as reliable as a broken clock.)

Other than that, tomorrow is a short day at work, thankfully. Too much work and no time to have anything that resembles a life isn't healthy. Time to try to branch out and start doing things again without being exhausted from work and just wanting to be in a catatonic state.

In other news... I tried to repierce my ear tonight. Scary, huh? Let's just say I was feeling "primitive" and had one of those random thoughts that seem utterly stupid pop into my head. Trying to push the earring through the closed-up hole didn't work. (How smart of me to think it might!) I grabbed a sewing needle and, after 3 pauses to try to muster up the courage, pushed it through. Aah, success!! Or was it...? I took the needle out and tried putting the earring in. It stopped halfway because, try as I might, I couldn't find the hole on the opposite side of my ear! Oh, the frustration!! I finally gave up and put some ice on it. It's not even bleeding, which is odd since when I have had my ears pierced in the past, they bleed like I'm about to die.

So much for an attempt to handle this one on my own!!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Mary Jane's Mistress

I have never been so happily miserable before in life. Lately, the husband's been on a marijuana binge, so to speak. For nearly two weeks now, from the time he wakes up til the time he goes to bed, he's smoking almost constantly. Honestly, I don't know what to do about it anymore.
Whenever alcohol or pot is involved, we fight like cats and dogs. Today, after being bitched at all morning long over anything (not intentionally though... I was simply the best target for his morning crankiness) and staring at that smug dope-induced grin staring down at me while I was hurting inside, I snapped. He was on top of me so I grabbed his hair to get him off me. Of course, to him, I had done something wrong unprovoked. He always says "I didn't do anything", and sometimes I believe he truly feels that way.

But other times, it's almost as if he's intentionally doing and saying things to push me so far I snap and walk out on him forever. I've tried my best to understand him and I came up with the realization that I can't right now. It's like beong with a wild mustang I'm trying to tame, but in the act of trying to break him in, it's breaking myself. No one I have ever known can bring out the anger and frustration I sometimes feel. Honestly, either I need counseling, he does, or we both do. I tend to agree more with the latter. In the mean time, I'm going to try to get back into the routine of having a world outside of him. Him being everything to me isn't very healthy. I've been neglecting my world too much in the effort of making him see the world outside of our existance. In trying to stop him from escaping through substances and seeing the things that can change our perceptions, I've shut everything else out, even the things I love doing. And I'm sure everyone around me sees that all too clearly.

Today is a day that everything changed for a lot of people. September 11th. It's also the day my last boyfriend and I ended out three-year relationship. I guess you could say something bad was bound to happen on this day, but I intend on making the negative a positive. Something has to change, and for the better.

Thursday, September 1, 2005

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fondler

Yes, I know. Bad Ken. I've been neglecting my journal lately. I've been neglecting the internet period lately. It has its good and bad moments, but I need to find a good balance still.

Well, in the past few weeks, not too much has changed. My friend Bill injured his foot at Bounce, while my boyfriend was being a drunken, belligerent moron. Aaah, alcohol. Mother nature's way to ensure a disasterous time! Work has been driving me insane as well. Never enough time in the day. A few new things of note though: I'm looking into making soap and candles to sell to turn into my own little business, and I'm getting contacts (yes, finally! Tomorrow is my appointment to try out the trial lenses.)

My boyfriend's been doing rather well. We have our moments, but that generally boils downto our frustration. He's frustrated that we don't get to spend enough time with each other, which I understand but can't help right now. He's learning too that spending toomuch time in the house is stressing him out even more. So, this weekend, we're going hiking and spending time away from the great indoors. I have a three-day weekend due to the holiday and I'm determined to make it a good one. Yes, we both need to relieve our stress and frustration better so we don't pick fights with each other, but that will change. But he does need to get over the jealousy thing. If I talk about soaps or researching them online, he gets upset that he's not getting attention anymore. It's quite comical sometimes!

Oh, and an odd thing happened: my former roommate and friend Steve waltzed back into my life. A phone call out of the blue apologizing and seeing how I was doing brought that on. I still need to call him back. Ick. I'm terrible at calling people! That needs to change...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Another "About Me" Questionnaire....

What is your full birth name?Kenneth Lee Summers, Jr.
What is your date of birth?April 15, 1979
Where were you born?Cleveland, Ohio
What are your parents' names?Catherine and Kenneth
How many siblings do you have? How old are they and what are their names?1, Sheila, 28
What's your hair color?brown
What's your eye color?hazel
How tall are you?6'1''
How much do you weigh?I'm afraid to know.. probably 245 Lbs.
What size shoe do you wear?10 1/2 wide
What's your house look like? How many bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.?picture tenement housing from the Great Depression...
How many pets do you have? What are they and what are their names?none
What's your marital status?in a committed repationship
Color?teal blue
Artist/ Group?Pet Shop Boys
Movie?Dolores Claiborne
Actor?Vincent Price
Actress?Kathy Bates
Drink?passionfruit juice
Restaurant?The Pufferbelly in Kent, Ohio
Car?1967 Austin Healey 3000 Mark III
School subject?English
Cologne/ perfume?Hugo Boss
Television show?Dead Zone
Television station?Discovery Channel
Radio station?98.1 WKDD
Vacation spot?Maine
Clothing store/ brand?Perry Ellis
McDonalds or Burger King?McDonalds
Pepsi or Coca-Cola?Coke
Cell phone or the Internet?Internet
Movies or television?movies
Board games or cards?board games
MTV or VH1?VH1
Horror or comedy?comedy
Summer or winter?summer
Dogs or cats?dogs
Appetizers or dessert?dessert
Concerts or gigs?gigs
Parties or get-togethers?parties
Chocolate or vanilla?chocolate
Beer, vodka, or wine?vodka
1970s or 1980s?1980s
Rain or snow?rain
Mario or Luigi?neither....
Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, or Jessica Simpson?Christina
Drunk or high?drunk
Day or night?night
Black or white?black
CDs or mixes?mixes
Corvette or Mustang?Mustang
Reality shows or sitcoms?sitcoms
Been high? How about any other drugs? Care to mention?sadly, yes... never enjoyed it... E once
Been drunk?many times
Stolen something? What was it?I'm not telling!
Gotten in a fist-fight?once... lost
Had sex? DUH! YES!
Vandalized someone's property?probably
Ran over an animal?yes
Wished death on someone?yes
Told your parents you hated them?no
Been fake to someone?yes
Flew on an airplane?yes
Broken a bone? If so, what was it?yes, tibia.. and walked on it for 3 days
Been in a car accident?yes
Do you find yourself attractive?not really
Are you a jealous person?too often, yes
What do you want to be when you get older? Dream job?film director
What's your cumulative grade point average?3.5
What's the meanest thing you've ever said to anyone?"I wish you had died"
Do you fart, burp, etc. in front of your friends? How about in front of anyone?not intentionally!
If you had to go on a reality show, what one would it be?they're all crap...
Who are your top 3 male and top 3 female friends?Ryan, Jeremy, Bill / Diana, Missy, Colleen
Do you have any tattoos or piercings? How many and where?pierced left ear
Do you like drama?noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you think is your best feature - physical & personality?my heart
Would you change for someone you liked?yes
Would you rather be physically or mentally hurt?physically... it heals easier
What do you appreciate most in life?second chances


Monday, August 15, 2005

Silence of the Lamps

Today, shopping for accessories for my boyfriend's bedroom with him and his best friend, I had the most awful realization: his best friend annoys the living piss out of me. No, it's not jealousy over him, or fear of losing my boyfriend to an ex, or even feeling left out. He's just damned irritating so much of the time to me.

Our little shopping spree for Roman shades turned into the two of them acting like two queens in a beauty salon picking out sheet sets. Um, hello. This is the bedroom my boyfriend and I sleep in. Shouldn't what goes into it be our decision and not someone else's? And as my boyfriend and I were browsing the home decor sections of Target, I hear "Okay, girls, let's go" echoing through the fluorescent white aisles. Yes, mother, coming right away. I forgot we weren't doing this as a fun night out. We were doing this on his time. He had better things to do, like order porn comic books and dye my boyfriend's hair for the hundredth time. Honestly, the compassion was overflowing.

And to think my boyfriend/future husband has no idea why I don't like spending time with the two of them. Don't get me wrong, Nick's a nice guy and fun to hang out with... Maybe at a bar. But most humans have a built in intuition to know when their thoughts and opinions aren't asked for.

This was only a minor addition to the irritation after waiting for 2 hours to pick up some medicine for my boyfriend, followed by waiting for his best friend to pick out clothing for himself. Oh, yes darling, my life revolves around making sure you look so good for this weekend when we go out to a club and you, once again, give head to some unknown stranger in the parking lot of a bar.

And they say chivalry is dead.

This is why I keep stressing the need for us to break new ground and make new friends. Friends who aren't all about clubbing and partying and drinking til you puke, like his entourage generally seems to be. He fails to notice so many things about them: the fact that they find humor in getting him completely fucked up so they get a good laugh, the using and borrowing indefinitely, the lack of care for his well-being. No, I don't hate his friends. I enjoy them, in small doses and at the right times. But they need to know when to say "no, I shouldn't just stop by unexpectedly. You two should have some time to yourself. I have a life outside of you and should give that equal time."

I do have faith in us finding those people. I already have some very good friends, single and couples, who are genuinely a pleasure to be around, and even the ones I rarely ever get to see or talk to are just as profoundly wonderful. I learned from my good friend Tommy years ago to "cut away the dead wood". If someone isn't a true friend, good-hearted and true to themselves, I drop them like a bad habit. Those people know who they are, because I'm utterly unreachable to them. I don't believe in hatred. It's too strong of a negative emotion. My best defense against tyranny and stupidity is simply not caring. My heart is my strongest asset and I use it to it's fullest power. After all, without love and good friends, what do we really have worth living for?

Monday, August 8, 2005

Beyond Issues and Subscriptions

What a weekend....

Well, I hardly accomplished anything so the painting might be delayed slightly beyond this next weekend. We spelt in too late and went out too late saturday night. It was an embarrassing night for both of us, and I don't think I want to go to Akron for a while!! We both drank way too much and started arguing over who knows what, making a big scene in a very prominent club which shall remain nameless to avoid dramatic rumors from spreading. My head still hurts... (we accidentally butted heads hard when i was going to stand up as he bent down to talk to me. Ouch.)

My boyfriend's friend told us something Sunday that we both realize: we're both so insecure that going out to a club together tends to make each of us overreact and think we're going to lose the other to someone better. It's almost comical at times. We really need to sit down and lay all our issues out on the table to realize how silly we're both being.

In other news, I have big plans for the coming year, and since Ryan never reads this, I can actually say what they are!! hehe We're quickly approaching the one year mark... it's hard to believe we've been together for 9 months now. But I don't want to jump the gun so soon, which is why I'm waiting until the 1 1/2 year point to pop the question.

Yes. THAT one.

I already know what most people I know will say. Way too soon. But when you're sure, why wait 5 years? No, I don't plan on eloping. I figure a year or so being engaged isn't absurd. I've been engaged before in relationships that have only lasted 6 months. Ok, so I was young and foolish.. shoot me! I'm already planning out how I'll go about doing it.... on a trip for two to Prince Edward Island. Maybe at Green Gables. We both loved the books and television series and have been dying to go, so why not?

I'm going to take my time on this though. Usually, when I start planning far ahead is when things mess up, so I don't want to jinx myself. I know I've been neglecting friends a lot lately because of all this, but we had a lot of issues to work out, plus the room redo has been taking lots of money and time. It'll all be over within a week though. The painting will be done soon, furniture and bedding will be a slow process as well. But this is a big step for us. Doing a major project together for us... to make our own space that is unique to us. It'll be a bonding experience if he doesn't kill himself moving furniture by himself, the silly boy.

Well, time to recouperate from work. And tomorrow, there's sanding waiting for us...

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Ding-Dong, Avon Calling!

It was a very good and strange weekend. Ghosthunting, spending time with the husband, and feeling worked to death. And then, this afternoon, the unthinkable happened...

...I met the ex-boyfriend.

Out of the blue, while I was with my boyfriend, the phone rang. His ex called. Wanted to stop over. *GULP* Talk about a situation that can cause panic in the most confident people!! And to make things better, he was only half an hour away.

We were in the kitchen when he pulled up. My heart completely stopped dead. I had heard that he was a "big guy, like me" so I guess I expected a chunky boy to climb out of the car. Nope. This guy was BUILT, tan, and friggin HOT!! I couldn't think of anything to say, and yes, I was a little intimidated. Huge arms. Slightly taller than me. Wow. He looks EXACTLY how I've always wanted to look. It reminded me of a line from Broken Hearts Club: "I want to be Cole! Why can't I be Cole??"

Insecure, party of one, your table's ready.

We all talked for a short time before I had to go. He was a really nice guy. He even said if I ever need a ride over to see my boyfriend, he'd be happy to pick me up, and we all three can go out to a club some time. It's not fair! Exes are supposed to be despicable characters no one likes, not attractive, nice guys! I definitely don't mind him being in my boyfriend's life. He seems like he'd be a good person to have around. Ryan needs more friends. If they're an ex, so be it. Hell, I'm friends with a few of my exes too. If he can trust me, I have no reason to worry. If he hasn't left me in 8 months, he's not going to pick up and leave like that. There's too much love there.

So, for the first time, I'm throwing my insecurities away. If I always worry about him running off with someone better than me, one day it'll happen. The mind is a powerful thing and creates its own reality sometimes like that. This could be the opening of a new chapter for us... New (and old) friends, a social life, a new look for his bedroom (yes, he finally decided on the colors!) Things are swell right now. I'm not about to let past issues and events come back to haunt me and ruin something this wonderful. I love Ryan. I believe in him. And we have a long journey still ahead of us. Be it bumpy or smooth, I'm sure it'll be a wonderful trip!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Text From the Crypt

It was a night like any other. Until the strange text message came flashing across my cell phone.

An old ghost from my past mistakenly sent me a message. Cue Rod Serling.

It's funny how one moment, even an area code,can bring your mind racing back to moments in your past you wish never happened. Stupid, childish times. Harsh words. Anger and battles best never fought in the first place.

Yet we all have demons in our closet. Some of us can block them out. Others, like myself, never learn to forget our shame, guilt, and horrible feelings. Moments like this make me think of everything I have done in my life for which I have not made ammends. Sour times when responsibility could have saved many people from so much trouble.

Alas, some things we bury and forget. It is not to lessen their significance, but to press onward, toward a brighter future. Nothing can change the past, but anything can change the future. That chapter in my life is closed. The future unwritten.

And as they say, everything happens for a reason...

Friday, July 22, 2005

The Good Kind of Drought

Life is good.

I went out tonight with my friend Bill and his boyfriend Shawn to see "War of the Worlds"... very interesting movie. I'd be tempted to say it was actually good! LOL But my mind has been so clouded since I came home, I have forgotten. Why, you ask? Simple: one phone call.

I called my boyfriend tonight to see how his day was. He shocked me completely in what he said. Now what could floor me so much? One sentence. "I'm quitting drinking completely."

Yes, you heard right. No more alcohol. He told me he realized he's been using it as a crutch to block out the bad in his life and it needs to stop now. He's been completely sober for almost 2 weeks now. No more drinking binges or hanging out with other drinkers and spending money on that. He thanked me for being there for him through all the stupid things he's done. He also finally has started making plans for our future. He wants us to have a long, wonderful relationship, and he's putting effort into making sure that happens. According to him, my words finally rubbed off and he realizes that there's so much more out there for us. No more bickering when he gets tipsy and starts acting like a two-year-old and picking fights. e're in this together for the long haul.

Ok. So maybe he can forget about worrying about getting me a late birthday present this year. This one tops anything I could ever get.

Changing Winds

Another exciting day in my world...

Well, next week's investigation is shaping up nicely. I have 2 people confirmed: well-known psychic Anne Miller and her daughter Brenda. I'm waiting to hear back from a few others who want to go, but have to check their schedules. This could very well become the most exciting investigation I've had thus far. And with the added benefit of having the press there, I'm pleased as punch!!

Tonight's another movie night. My friend Bill, his boyfriend Shawn, and I are going to see "War of the Worlds". I'll give Tom Cruise the benefit of a doubt on this one. LOL I'm going to see my boyfriend this weekend (spending some time in the park.. outdoors? Did he actually suggest that?? Who is he and what has he done with my boyfriend??? lol), then it's back to work as usual for me. So many projects going on now!!!! But it's good to be busy. It keeps us feeling alive.

Change is in the air in so many ways, and for once, all the change seems to be positive. Now I just need to get back on the balll with my writing and my life will be going as perfectly as it can be now!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Measuring Up

Ok, so I'm going to talk about the boyfriend again.. so I lied! Sue me!

This just popped into my mind, and it's something that has been on my mind for a while. Size issues. And I don't mean shoe size.....

My boyfriend is about as insecure as I am in every possible way. Sad, isn't it? And of course, one of his issues is his "member". He's been told before thatr he's "too small" so he worries about that.

I don't know who told him that, but it sounds like something I might have said in college when I was the "if it's not an 11 inch uncut monster, throw it back!" type of size queen I once was. Ok, so I still can be like that, but hey, we all have our preferences! I reassure him that he's fine in the pants. And it's true. He may not be John Holmes, but he would never be called "Stumpy"!! Above-average is nice, even if it's not a monster. I blame his worries on all the porn he watches!

That's one negative thing for us gay men: the expectations porn gives us. If we're not 230 Lbs. of solid muscle with a tree limb hanging between our legs, we feel like less than a man. Why is that?? I usually like my men on the skinny side, and as long as he's good in bed, I'm happy! But still, it's more about the person than the dick. Then again, most men think with the head between their legs anyway!!

Ok. So maybe I miss a good challenge sometimes, but I wouldn't trade my man for the world. And if I really was in the mood for a more endowed man, I know my boyfriend would bring up the idea of a threesome. lol Such is life when you're dating a nympho!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Today, Canada, Tomorrow the World!!!

Yes, finally, all of Canada made same-sex marriage legal! This follows Spain's decision to legalize marriage earlier this month. Well? What's with the US?? Aren't we supposed to be the progressive ones? Don't tell me we're so archaic that we can't follow suit...

Personally, I plan on getting married some day. Hopefully to my current boyfriend. I know I've probably concentrated too much on our relationship in my last few posts, so I won't go in depth on that today. He's been in pain (he's getting a root canal next week) and the vicodins have been making him groggy, so it was a rather uneventful few days with him. I played nurse most of the time!

In other news... today was my interview with the reporter for the Akron Beacon Journal. All went very well, and next week he's taking photographs for the article out at a few haunted locations. Sounds like it'll be a decent-sized article. Let's hope this one reads well too!! Hopefully it'll convince the park that a ghost tour would generate more tourism. They aren't liking the idea right now, so I could use all the support I can get. Even if I need to create a petition and give them 5000 signatures of people willing to purchase tickets for the tours. Maybe this will generate a little publicity and snap them into action. Give the people what they want!!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

In the Cards

Well, this evening I went to a picnic with a few ghost hunters from northeast Ohio. For a small group, we had fun, checking out a few local places in the valley during daylight hours and getting a few digital pictures for my site. All in all, it was a rather pleasant evening.

I came home, called the husband, and watched Dead Zone. My boyfriend was a little busy, getting ready to go out with some friends to the Interbelt Nite Club in Akron. I felt bad, not being able to come along... well, not being invited. Just more insecurities on my part. His friends were bugging him so he had to get off the phone.

I hate people.

Well, tomorrow I'm supposed to call before I come over. I hope he's awake. Who knows when he'll be back. I had another daydream of something happening tonight, so I feel like complete crap. in the daydream, he went home with someone.. drunk as a skunk. I always worry when I have these dreams because twice they were true. Ok, they didn't happen exactly like I dreampt but they were at least similar in subject. All I can say is I hope it's just paranoia and not psychic ability. Some people say they want to know their future or what's happening somewhere else. After the few times I've experienced this, I'd give anything not to have known.

Mental note: invest in Maalox.

I gave myself a mini Tarot reading, like I have in the past to find out what's happening. Not sure I'm happy with the results.

1. The Star: loss, theft, privation, abandonment
2. Queen of Cups Reversed: perverse woman, vice, dishonor, depravity
3. Queen of Pentacles Reversed: evil, suspicion, suspense, fear, mistrust
4. Knight of Pentacles: utility, responsibility, interest
5. 6 of Swords: a journey
6. 7 of Swords Reversed: good advice, counsel
7. 5 of Swords: destruction, dishonor, loss

Somebody Else's Business

"He loves her, but he sometimes thinks she's crazy
Laughing, the next minute mad
And saying 'I think you're wasting my time'
Crying, then changing her mind.

She's screaming and shouting and everything's blinding
She's laughing out loud, and they say cause she's mine
It's somebody else's business, somebody else's business..."

My boyfriend has a bad toothache. Again. He already had one tooth pulled. I really think he needs to take better care of himself sometimes. I just worry too much about him too. We had a discussion last night about my insecurities. Mostly, they're just absurd and grounded in my low self-esteem and poor body image. When I hurt inside and he hurts outside, we tend to take it out on each other, which isn't healthy. I talked with a friend of his yesterday online about our issues. She said, "there's no changing him. He will never get a job. He can't handle work. He is the way he is and that will never change. I'm sorry."

Sorry my ass. LOL People can become better people. When you give up on someone, that's when they go downhill. He's not some lost cause. He just needs to believe in himself more. That's the issue here. And maybe having some positive friends would do wonders too. Being around people who drink and smoke and don't seem to give a damn about him or his well-being is why he is the way he is sometimes. He's easily influenced by his surroundings. Criticism and mockery don't do shit for someone with low self-esteem and self-worth.

"She suffers from such violent mood swings
He says they disagree
He loves her, and life is never boring
Some say it's just being free....

She's screaming and shouting and everything's blinding
She's laughing out loud, and they say cause she's mine
It's somebody else's business, somebody else's business..."

Thursday, July 7, 2005

Nowhere To Run

Tonight has been one of the most unnerving experiences I've ever had in my life. As they say, you never know what happens behind closed doors.

I went out for a paranormal investigation, coming home just shortly after midnight. At 12:30, the phone rings. It's my boyfriend. He NEVER calls. He's crying and screaming and flipping out. I calmed him down enough to explain to me what happened.

My boyfriend went out for a couple beers with a female friend. When he came home, his father started laying into him, yelling at him about being out. My boyfriend yelled right back. His father stood up and shoved him down on the floor, pinning him down with all his weight. Now for those of you who don't know, my boyfriend is a small guy... maybe 130 pounds soaking wet. His father works out. While on top of him, his father started choking him. Seriously. He couldn't breathe. His mother did nothing. He fought back, scratching his father's face pretty badly from the sound of it and finally broke free.

Needless to say, he didn't feel comfortable staying in the house, but what option was there? Neither of us have many friends, and in an emergency situation like this, it's a very helpless feeling to know you're too far without any means of rescue. All I could do was calm him down as much as possible til he finally exhausted himself and decided to barricade himself in his room for the night and try to get some sleep. He had a tooth pulled so he's still in pain from that, not to mention the pain in his arm from scratches and bruising. So now, I realize how badly he needs out of that hellish place he calls "home".

I can honestly say now I understand why he drinks and smokes. He's trying to numb himself. This apparently isn't the first time this has happened either. He failed to mention this before, and there could be many reasons for that. Embarrassment. Fear. Shame. All I know is it won't happen again if I can help it. Where there's a will, there's a way. He says it's not my problem, but I disagree. We're a couple. It is my problem when my boyfriend's life is in danger. One time is too many. Abuse is abuse, and violence of any kind is intolerable.

But for now, there's not much I can do. I made a pot of coffee so I might be awake for a while. Even though I'm tired, I want to be awake in case he needs to call me again. Not like I can do anything, but at least I can listen. It may not be much, but it's all I really have right now. One of us has to remain calm and collective to try to figure out what to do. Whatever it may be.

Monday, July 4, 2005

Take My Picture, Snapshot

Well, I'm finally back home, as relative as that might be! The time away was nice, but it's time to get down to business.

I have a few eBay projects to work on this week, including two original products to make and sell. Both are quite interesting, and now that I figured out a feasible way of making them, it's all systems go! No more putting it off. It's time to start to make a little money on the side with my ideas.

In other news, I have a new investment that should prove interesting. I now own a Kodak No. 2A Folding Cartridge Hawkeye Model B Camera. It's in very good condition, I just need to figure out how a few things on it work and I can start taking old-fashioned pictures on it. I'd like to get back into photography again, and this might be something fun to pass the time on those hot summer days with nothing else to do. They still make the film for it and I know a place online I can get it. I'm just going to wait until I know what I'm doing with the camera before I start buying the film. It's definitely a unique thing to have... Especially in working order! It could be quite an interesting way to make nostalgic pictures... Maybe even earn a little profit off it as well! Hey,I'm an American. I know the meaning of the almighty dollar!

Well, I hope this heat lets up a little. My boyfriend and I were scheduled to have a picnic, but I think we might just eat on his porch instead of out in the sweltering sun. Besides, I need to take a few pictures of him too so I can finally have a framed picture of him to set on my desk. Digital pictures are fine, but I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy. I like something tangible.

Fireworks tonight. Possibly in more ways than one!

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Nothing But Blue Skies.....

Ok.. well, everything's better since my last post. Yes, I vent a lot on here. But just to clear up a few misconceptions some readers of my blog tend to have:

1. I'm not that bitter. I'm actually extremely optimistic.. so much it scares me sometimes.
2. I don't ever hate anyone completely. That takes far too much energy. But if you cross me, I'll make sure to get you back when you least expect it.
3. I do tend to think too much and ramble on, but only mentally and on paper. Ok, and when I'm drunk too!

My boyfriend and I have been getting along wonderfully since we talked. I have a tendency of having a "you should know what you did wrong" attitude, which isn't helpful. Half an hour of talking cleared the air about everything. Yesterday, we talked for nearly an hour, and I've never heard him happier. I think the key is talking... like I tell everyone else, even him, and sometimes forget to do myself. I'm a little self-destructive like that. And sometimes a little bitchy. I think we all can be.

Well, the Akron Beacon Journal emailed me. They want to do an article on my paranormal research! WOO HOO!! Finally, a positive article from a legitimate paper!! I've been meaning to call them about doing an article, but they beat me to it. Things are finally on a positive upswing, I guess!!!

Well, I'm off to the airport in a few hours to pick up my sister and her husband. Better make sure the house is all in order. Finally, her dog will calm down I hope. He's been a real prick the past two days. Now I know why everyone around here calls him "No-no Bad Dog". He's the Elton John of dogs, throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way NOW. Oy....

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

System Meltdown in 5,...4,...3,...

Ok, it's venting day for me. I've been housesitting for my sister for this week, til her and her husband get back from their cruise to Mexico. Things have been great, until today... the straw that broke the camel's back.

My boyfriend and I get along blissfully for the most part, except for this part of him that likes to joke and take that joke or teasing as far as he can before the rubber band snaps and hits him square in the ass. Today is one of those days.

It didn't help that I already was feeling nauseous and odd today.. possibly an anxiety attack, but seeing as I've never had one before, I'm not sure if it was one or not. That was enough to help heighten my already frazzled nerves and take me from unamused to a stressed-out heap of mental exhaustion.

He likes jealousy. Part of him thinks it shows love. But there's only so much you can take before you cross over that point of "jealous but playful in a cute way" to downright wrong. He's trying to make friends online. Yes, he does need friends badly. We both do. A social life is something that will make us both feel better. But all the men online who IM him want to sleep with him.

He tells me what they say. Honesty is good. But I guess today's man was too much. He wasn't attractive in the slightest bit. He wanted to meet my boyfriend. They all seem to. And not for a cup of coffee and good conversation either. I do trust my boyfriend, and he's not going to run off and sleep with some guy like that. But there's only so much you can take. I lost it. Broke down. Someone had to use the phone so he needed to get off for a while. So, I took the time to write him a long email. So, here I sit, calming myself down. I stopped myself from crying and chainsmoking finally. It's time for this little game to end. He's never seen me completely lose it before, so I think this'll be a bit of a wake-up call. I'm a very tolerant and patient person, so it takes a lot.

I guess that's what I get for dating a Gemini! Not to mention a stubborn, pig-headed little brat. But you know? I love him anyway. Yes, he gets under my skin, but I do the same thing. We know eachother's buttons and sometimes we push them to see how far it takes. I guess it's the only real way to learn about someone's limits... to breach them. All will be well soon. It's just time to pack up the dice, put away the game, and have a serious heart-to-heart. The good outweighs the bad with him. Actually, the teasing and stubbornness, coupled with utter hatred of change, are the only parts that ever cause trouble. It's not a time to throw in the towel, just time to start explaining where I stand on things so he knows not to do it again.

I guess all men need to be trained in one way or another...

Friday, June 17, 2005

The Times That Try Men's Souls

Last night, my boyfriend's cat decided to lay in bed while we were having "a moment". Now, I don't know about any of you, but having an animal lay there and watch you is a very odd feeling. He gets lonely I think.. that and he seems to be jealous of me. I'm stepping into his shoes and taking attention away from him. Poor thing. We'll just have to get him a boyfriend too!

Other than that, tonight's been interesting. Another minor tiff online with the future ex-husband, as I've taken to referring to him! I'm sure he wouldn't find the humor in it. lol He was talking to me, and he tells me everything which is good, but some guy was talking to him about going out with us tomorrow. Someone who asked him out repeatedly in the past. And of course, either he didn't see how that would bother me, or he merely chose to try to see if it would get a rise out of me. It did.

Sometimes, men don't think. I trust him and know we love eachother, but there are those moments where I just want to hit his head into a wall and say "what were you thinking??" His sister and I briefly talked too tonight online. She deals with the same sort of jealousy with her boyfriend. This just might be the beginnings of a friendship between us. Misery does love company!

Ok, I'm not miserable. 95% of our time together or talking is wonderful, it's just the 5% when his brain ceases to function that causes unneeded stress and worry on my part. I honestly think he's just testing me when he does it. He tells me I'm too good for him and I deserve so much more and so much better, so maybe he's seeing if I'll tell him where to shove it and say goodbye. We're both inherently bitchy people at times, so we're bound to have the occasional squabble, but we never sleep angry. Tonight, after everything, he just said "I'm going to bed, hun. I'm sorry. I'm just tired." Which, in real translation with him, means "I'm an asshole so I'm shutting up before I piss you off anymore. Please forgive me and I'll let you have some time to cool off." He's learning fast!

Well, tomorrow's dinner with friends. He'll be nervous for sure. And whether he likes it or not, we'll have a talk at some point. I swear, some men just need to be trained!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Have Your Cake and Eat It Too...

My boyfriend turned 24 saturday. We had a tolerable weekend which would have been better sans the alcohol. We both were a little irritable after a few cocktails, so things didn't go as well as usual, but nothing too serious. I baked him a cake and we ate at almost 1 in the morning, then I was sick the rest of the night. Can't always have perfect days I guess!!

Sunday was better, except for a little attitude on his part and a few beers. He doesn't mix well with alcohol sometimes. Those times are when we seem to butt heads a lot. But still, it's all good. We have good communication and never stay angry more than a few hours, and it's always petty little things. And those are usually brought on my his low confidence and high stress.

In other news, I have a friend who likes me a whole lot. A WHOLE lot. lol He lives in another state, so it's not too bad. I wouldn't dump my boyfriend and run off with someone else like that because I'm no tramp. LOL It's nice for someone to like me, but sometimes he does get a little too strong in his language and it does make me feel a little uncomfortable. I guess since he broke up with his boyfriend this week it's been easier for him to allow himself to start falling for me. Talk about a sticky situation!

Well, people never seem to make sense ever. And the only time guys seem to tell me they like me is when I'm in a relationship. Talk about bad timing!

Thursday, June 9, 2005

The House of Wax

Being the kind-hearted person I am, I thought I'd share my embarrassment of the week to bring a little laughter to your lives.

Tuesday I went to see the boyfriend and spend some time with him, trying to forget the sweltering heat. His family was having a little barbecue outside, so we had a little time in the house to ourselves. And guess how he wanted to spend that time? Let's just say that day was brought to you by the numbers 6 and 9....

All was well, until right as he was at the point of eruption. I glanced over to see a pair of red shorts in the doorway. His father had walked in. Now, I'm sure this wouldn't phase some people, but I've never been interrupted or walked in on ever before in my entire life, so I was completely embarrassed by this. My boyfriend got a kick out of it. We had a good laugh, and I didn't leave the room for the rest of the evening!

Later on, we got on the topic of hair. Body hair. Ok, touchy subject with me. I do have some hairy patches on my back (poor genetics, ugh) and I wanted them gone, and he agreed, of course. So, we decided to test the wax he had (he has more beauty supplies than Brini Maxwell) and the test spot was selected: my eyebrows. No, I DID NOT get rid of them! He "shaped" them. It was fine; it didn't hurt or anything. So, with a feeling of confidence in his talents, I decided to take the plunge.

Funny thing about wax: if it's too thick, it's like pouring glue on yourself and peeling it off with a spatula. After 2 hours and a lot of intense pain, I had a red welt on my shoulder blade and not much else to show for it. I love him to death, but I think I'll get it professionally done. Either that or just take a bunch of duct tape and rip it off. Much easier!!

The whole thing was so absurd I spent most of the time laughing hard into the shirt my face was buried in. He kept worrying that I was crying. No, I just felt like a moron! LOL In sure in a few years we'll be sitting around our own place, rolling on the floor with laughter, remembering that crazy summer and the incident with the Avon wax. It will become an immortal story throughout the family, no doubt!

Monday, June 6, 2005

*pant, pant* Water... WATER!!! *pant, pant*

A word of advice: If it's 82 degrees outside, with blistering sun beating down, no shade, and you don't have a water bottle handy... DON'T GO ON A 3 MILE HIKE!!!

I'm still a blond, though. I do stupid things like this.

I should've stopped when I felt chills and stopped sweating, but do I? Nooo. Must get to water! One mile to go! Heat stroke? What's that, some kind of masturbation technique??

Other than that, I'm finally getting on the ball with my website again, resurrecting it from its coma. And I'm redesigning a friend's website too. Nothing like a creative outlet to make you feel a little more alive.

Ok, so I'm just pretending to live. What's it to you??

Time to shower and get down to business...

Saturday, June 4, 2005

Back Off, Horny Bitches!!

Ok, I need to vent badly right now before I completely go mental.

The day was going ok... well, hot as all hell and trying not to sweat to death, but still I'm not complaining about that. No. Not the weather. Just the boyfriend.

Some guy IMed him and wanted to go have sex with him. I'm sure to some people this would be viewed as a compliment that I have some desireable man and I guess in some way it is, but what the fuck is wrong with people? Christ, doesn't anyone ever read a profile in their life?? Yes, I trust him and he tells me any time it happens so it would be different if he were sneaking around cheating on me or something, but there are only so many times you can stand hearing about someone wanting your other half. And to make things even better for me, he sits there slightly buzzed off a few drinks and doesn't say didly squat to me, except for the "love you" every 10 minutes (whenever someone sayd "love you" like that, it always makes me suspicious in that "are you trying to say it in an apology kind of way for something you're doing?" kind of thing. Just my nature.), it makes a man feel like utter crap.

I know I talk with my friends about how much men suck most of the time, but people don't have to prove me right!

Ok, yeah, maybe I'm overly paranoid or something. But if you were cheated on less than a month ago, you probably would be too (if you hadn't picked him up and thrown him off the second-story balcony.) I know he sometimes doesn't think at all when he drinks. I don't expect him to be perfect. he tells me every time I get worried that he's not going to cheat on me (again.) But dammit all to hell, this boy has ZERO TACT! He doesn't have the ability to calm me down or make me feel at peace or any such thing unless he's right next to me. I think his mind and voice are independent of eachother. He'll say something about someone wanting him and him not doing anything, then the next minute he'll talk about how bad this guy wants him and that he won't leave him alone. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, love is sometimes stress. It shouldn't be. It should be wonderful. But you know something? No relationship is perfect. So my boyfriend is an idiot sometimes. At least he admits to it!

Oy veh. I swear I'll have high blood pressure by the end of the year if I don't have it already. I think we'll have to have another long talk when I see him next. For someone not going into chatrooms he gets an awful lot of IM's. True, they could be from when he was going in chatrooms a lot before we met, but still.

Well, I sometimes get accosted myself, so I can understand both sides. A good friend of mine's ex decided to contact me, even though he knows I'm seeing someone. Gave me his phone number too. I've "been warned" though. I'm happy in my relationship (hey! don't laugh! Aside from stupid moments like this, I'm very happy!) If some guy even tried to step beyond friendship with me like that, he wouldn't need to worry about getting any cause I'd chop off his dick and cram it so far up his ass, he'd be permanently fucked. Literally.

It's amazing how right before Pride, when we're supposed to be celebrating who we are, I feel like shooting every man within a 100 mile radius online who is gay for being who they are.

Whew, ok, I'm done venting. But really, I'm a nice, sweet person, dammit!! LOL

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

Pride and Remembrance

Well, June is finally here! Warm weather, scantily clad men, and outdoor activities. Ok, so sometimes the latter two are one in the same!

I'm making plans to go to Cleveland Pride on June 18th, with boyfriend in tow. I haven't spent enough time in the gay community lately and the straight world is beginningto annoy me. No, I don't have some vendetta against straight people. It's a matter of "comfort zone". Having to tiptoe around things around a bunch of idiotic people or have people clam up when they find out I'm gay is just too crazy for me. I just feel like I can relax better around "my own kind"... even if they can stab you in the back sometimes! LOL But hey, that's all people.

Well, with June back, my mind goes back to a friend of mine I lost 3 years ago to suicide: Chris. I took his death pretty hard, even though we were kind of distant in the year bafore that. Ever since we both left Kent State I would only get to see him once in a great while. He was a wonderful boy. Sweet, funny, smart.. everything most of us look for in a friend as well as a relationship. Yes, even though i generally don't care much for blondes, I would've married that boy if he asked me to.

Next month, I really need to go back to his grave and leave flowers some time. No more shock and disbelief. Time to accept that he's really gone and remember the good times... Victor, Victoria.... vodka and cranberry... wasting time in the LGBU office... watching the hot boys out the second story window...

This summer is going to be good and fun no matter what. Some people remind us how short life really can be. It's time to snap out of it and make life something thrilling.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Insomniac vs. Nymphomaniac

Eeek. Almost 4 AM. I can't sleep for 3 hours and wake up on time, so it looks like I'm staying up for a while. Where's a 24-hour Starbucks when you need one???

Today I successfully avoided accomplishing anything I set out to do. Well, I was sidetracked by a bored friend and ended up going to a bonfire. Who knew?

This weekend ended up being more interesting than I bargained for. It was my turn to make an oops in my relationship. Ryan made dinner for us and waited. I didn't show. So, he was a little upset to say the least. Come on.. he's never surprised me, let alone remembered when I was coming over! The one time I expect him to be a flake he isn't. Such luck!!

But being the devoted, loyal bitch that I am, I went over. Filet mignon. Not bad for someone who claims he can't cook. Then, of course, his libido kicked in, and as much as it pained me to do it, we spent the rest of the night in bed.

I know. So terrible. Pity me!

But really, sex isn't everything to me. But hey, he went from mediocre to "oh my god, where did you learn to do that???" in a month, so I'm not complaining about his overactive sex drive. He finally learned that I'm going to pester him until he actually starts talking and learning conversational skills, so we can actually hold a good conversation now without him saying "I dunno" or "okay" every 30 seconds. These darn youngins. Have to teach them everything!

Don't mind me. Delirium is kicking in. I'll shut up while I'm still making some sense! Mr. Coffee is calling me... time to begin my torrid affair!

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Look, Mom! No Clothes!!

Well, we have hit rock bottom in the news department today: a mother is facing criminal charges for hiring a stripper for her son's 16th birthday party. Perhaps I'm completely mental, but I don't understand what's so wrong with this.

What, you say, am I crazy?? No. Hardly.

Sexuality is the most repressed thing in this country. We're taught that sex is a shameful act never to be committed unless it's for the necessity of procreation, sealed with the bond of marriage. HOGWASH! It's a recreational activity to many, not to mention a way of showing love. If sex were truly only to have children, 99% of the sex happening in the world today would cease! What's so wrong with having pleasure in life??

But I digress. Now for the next shocking statement: this particular case has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX.

Surprised? I thought you might be. Strippers not relating to sex? Allow me to explain.

This all boils down to one thing: nudity. And not even COMPLETE nudity. Now I ask you, what does nudity have to do with sex? This fundamental question is why there are nudists. Our good ol' Puritain ancestors instilled in us the notion that any time someone is naked, it means they are going to have sex or are performing an ultimate sin. How stupid can you get??? Go to any other country in the world and they understand the difference between the naked human body and sex. Why are we still caught in the dark ages?? Nudity is the most natural thing in the world, quite literally. We're simply trained to believe that if we're naked we're vulnerable and should be ashamed and guilt-ridden. To be naked is to be "uncivilized" and "savage". How utterly absurd!

So, back to strippers. What's wrong with a 16 year old boy filled with hormones getting to see a little extra flesh? Probably as much as he sees in a Victoria Secret catalog, if he hasn't borrowed one of his father's stashed pornos? Absolutely nothing. He wasn't raping someone. He wasn't meeting an escort or prostitute. He was going to be fully clothed at all times.

Now I ask you: what's the harm in that?

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Poor Judgement and Pitfalls

Ok... it's been a long time since my last post, and a very insane month to boot. Obviously, I'm not going to mention every last detail of the past few weeks because there's too much for one entry, but I'll mention bits and pieces and backdate some entries I wrote over the past few weeks.

Life is good though. I quit smoking.... theoretically, at least! I went 3 weeks without a cigarette, and was fine until tuesday when my boyfriend came clean and told me he cheated on me with a straight guy at a bar when he was trashed. Some people might think I'm insane for it, but I didn't dump him. We talked about it. I understand his wraped rationale for why he did what he did. No, it doesn't make it right, but it doesn't make it go away either. I was crushed. But we're all human. We all make mistakes in momentary lapses of intelligence. I love the guy. Simply put.

It's interesting to know what love does to you sometimes. Times you always say "I'd kill the SOB" seem to go over differently than you'd expect. Sometimes, you just have to forgive people for doing some things and move on. Dwelling on the wrongs you've done to eachother is unproductive and childish. A drunken night of seduction is just as amusing as flying steak knives in some ways. We all do things we wouldn't normally do sometimes.

I guess I realized I don't hold any grudges against anyone anymore. Life's too short for prolonged catfights and tantrums. So the old roommate and you had a fight and resorted to namecalling. So your old boyfriend played headgames with you long after you broke up and he went back to the military. So you kept a few key things of an old flames and considered blackmailing him with them. So you moved and left material objects behind you'll never see again. So WHAT? The point is we'll never fully understand other people or ourselves. Everything that happens in life is meant to teach you something. Those who learn from them go somewhere with their lives. Those who sit in their little world and fester like some sore never become anything other than what they always have been... which in reality isn't much of anything.

Live life, enjoy what you have, become what you dream of, and forgive others as well as yourself. You'd be amazed how far a little kindness can go in a world of competition and vanity.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Tedium Turned Into Epiphany

Well, yet another uneventful weekend...

... or so it may seem at first.

Last night was rather productive and helped me get a better idea of a plan of action for my future. There are two things that are important to me: spending time in Europe and leaving an impact on people... making them think or helping them better themselves. I have figured out a way to accomplish both and be happy at the same time! I knew there was a way....

Well, for now I'm not going to talk much about it. I tend to jinx myself if I talk about it and feel it's a "go" before anything's set out. I will say this though: Kent State is out for this fall. I need the time to save up the money for my venture next year. It will also give me time to research everything and brush up on my writing. I'm still working on the books, as well as several other book ideas that have come to me recently, but a new career choice is my underlying motive now. No, I'm not giving up writing or wanting to be published. I am still determined to do that. Just juggling things again....

It's raining yet again here. Dull and dreary Ohio springtime. I you need rain to encourage new growth though. And believe me, things are sprouting up all over!

Change is in the air, and it is good.....

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Late Literature and Missing Balls

Upon arriving home this late morning from a night of "Donnie Darko" and debauchery, I found my copy of "Literally", the Pet Shop Boys fan newsletter, waiting in the mail. It was a pleasant surprise, since this quarterly hasn't arrived since... well, over a year ago. Halfway in at the bottom there was a brief apology for the delay as well as an explanation: the writer has been working on a book which is a best-seller over in England. I guess I won't fault a fellow writer for letting one project slide while working on another. My own website has suffered while I've been working on a few books.

So, I sat down at my computer, getting ready for another day of writing and email. I happened to glance up to see the soccer player statue I bought myself for my birthday perched atop the old crate it had resided in on my bookcase. Something was different-his chest had three black spots trailing down it. But there was more. His forearm ended in a jagged piece of black resin. He had been wounded.

Apparently, this morning the bookcase was bumped and he tumbled forward, landing on two railroad spikes before hurling himself onto the carpeted floor: a vain suicide attempt gone awry. Though his head survived the trip, his left arm and the soccer ball it clutched took a detour from his body. I found it sitting beneath my chair. The pieces fit together quite smoothly so I believe he can be repaired with minimal effort. The cracks shouldn't be visible unless seen at a close proximity. The again, he's an athlete. He can handle a little rough-and-tumble handling. That's what they train for!

Besides, he only lost one ball. Two would have been catastrophic!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

War.. HUH... Good Gawd, Y'All... What Is It Good For?

I'll say it again... HUH....

Soldiers still dying in Iraq. Wait a minute. Hasn't the "war" been over for months now??

As the Pet Shop Boys said, "I hope it's going to be alright... I hope the music plays forever..."

War is one of the ultimate stupidities of mankind. There is never a reason for it. Never. I know some may disagree with me on this, but it's a simple fact. Hatred is energy wasted and misdirected. It's children fighting over toys and jealous of what one has over the other. It's name-calling with guns, knives, and bombs.

Religious beliefs and territorial disputes seem to account for every war ever fought. Of course, in saying this, I am ruling out revolutions. They aren't real wars. They are a plea for human rights and civil treatment. In such cases, physical attacks sometimes are the only methods that work. Any cornered animal will lash out to survive. Fighting for your own inalienable rights is understandable; squabbling over who is better or who owns what is simply grown men acting like children.

Sting said it best in his song, 'Children's Crusade':

"Pawns in the game are not victims of chance
Strewn over fields of Belgium and France
Poppies for young men, such bitter trade
All of those young lives betrayed
All for a children's crusade..."

Sadly, he's right. Soldiers die for someone else's pettiness. They are innocents whose lives are cut short without valid reason. Some of us believe it was justified, citing past arguments and demanding retribution. When all is said and done, is that truly enough? Can we say that the slaughter of a man who honestly knows nothing of his victim but for what he's been fed and taught is a heroic act? Isn't it truly yet another senseless act of violence perpetuated by our own self-cruelty? Where do we draw the line between murder and justifiable homicide? And most importantly, why do we allow the beliefs of one individual in power to determine our own fate?

I say we go back to the old ways with war, and I think George Washington and Napoleon would agree with me: the leaders of the nation should lead the battles as well. Put Bush on a horse and send him charging in front of the soldiers, planning the battles, seeing the casualties firsthand. Maybe if our world leaders were in that place, they would think more carefully before sending in the troops.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Better or Worse and Education

A dear friend from Brittain responded to my last post, saying "it could always be worse. But that's part of my point. He's right.

But... couldn't it be better?

Should we always just shrug our shoulders and reply "oh well.. It could be worse" and not stop and think, "wait. What's happening here? Why are we allowing this? Has history and revolutions across the world not taught us anything about standing up for what's right?"

We are one of the few countries who have not yet had a revolution. The American Revolution, you say? Bah. That was merely us founding our country, not a true revolution within ourselves. The Civil War? Merely an internal struggle for who is right and who is wrong, the right for a state to secede from the Union, and slavery. Never have we truly had a time where the people stood up to the government and said "stop this! You are not treating us fairly!" And honestly, I doubt it will ever happen. People are too complacent and naive to think such a thing. Thomas Paine is rolling over in his grave. Benedict Arnold is laughing. Thomas Jefferson is dumbfounded. Ben Franklin wishes he created an ink eraser.

American society is truly lazy and lacks thought. Sure, we have "equal education" and let anyone go to school. But we dumb down the curriculum to such a degree that we simply produce drones able to spit out recited facts and figures but unab;e to digest it and formulate their own opinions. The American educational system is inferior on a global scale. Anyone claiming otherwise just needs to look at other countries.

Well time to get off my soap box again! LOL I just needed to vent for a while. I'll just sit quietly and wait for the Secret Service of the FBI to take me away in a straight jacket now. LOL

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Unsinkable? Unthinkable!

Friday, while having a horrible day, I saw a sign in brecksville Square. "God Bless America."

So much for freedom of religion.

That's one of the many things that irritates me about the United States of America. Bigotry. Ignorance. Puritanical beliefs. Everything either has an owner or a price tag. There is no untamed and free space left. One thing after another. A series of chains and bindings slowly suffocating us.. or those with enough thought to see it.

We claim to be a nation of the free, free to be whoever you are and believe in what you must. But there's a subtle undertone: Be yourself, as long as it's what the rest of us are.

Inexplicable hatred still plagues this country. being gay can still land you in a hospital or grave. Not being Christian can lead to shunning and hate speech. Being an independent thinker can land you in jail. Not trusting or believing in the President can label you a traitor or a Communist.

We've already come too close to another Red Scare. After 9/11, we gave up so many rights in our fear and anger. Retaliation was all that mattered, no matter what we gave up in the process. Now, we might need a passport to get into Canada. You can be thrown in jail if a police officer asks you who you are and you refuse to answer. I guess that means we need to carry our "papers" with us at all times, mein heir. What next? World domination and the "undesirables" being shuffled into concentration camps? Some of you may think this is a bit of a stretch, but to me, it's an uncomfortable thought. To add to things, our economy isn't booming like the rich people believe. There is high unemployment and a staggering number of people in debt beyond all comprehension.

People tell me I should be proud to be an American and live in this country. As an enlightened thinker, I don't see it. Most of the world dislikes us for the actions of our "fearless leader" who cares more about the life of a terminally ill woman in Florida than thousands who died in NYC. We're one of the only "civilized countries" in the world without national health care. The Christian Right has precedence over anything logical and just. Proud, you say? of what? Puritanical beliefs? No health care? Greed? Poverty? The illusion of freedom?

We're on the Titanic, an unsinkable beast of a ship, sailing away. The iceberg hasn't frightened anyone at all... they're even playing in the ice on the deck. The crew is cutting away the lifeboats slowly. Our captain seems hellbent on us all going down with his ship.

As for me, I refuse to. Call me unpatriotic. Call me a traitor. Hell, call me whatever you please. i will find some form of flotation device one day and escape the suction of the sinking vessel.

The End is Near... Film at 11!!

"Repent. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand."
"You angel's whistlin' Dixie?"
"Armageddon is almost upon us."
"I've got news for you: it's already here."
"But your souls are in danger!"
"Our lives are in danger, you beatnick!"

Clue. Such a great movie....

In all reality, these same conversations happen everyday. I was watching a program today about the end of the world. Yes, cheerful stuff. 2012 is supposed to be it for all of us. How cheerful, they give us 7 more years before everything ends!! Well, we have to forget about the other predictions from the past few hundred years that have come and gone. How utterly shocking...

But still, global warming, religious wars, overpopulation, pollution, depletion of fossil fuels... we are slowly killing ourselves and our planet. Along that line of thinking, we definitely might mot last another hundred years.

But "God" ending the world and the people needing to prepare for the destruction of Earth for our behavior? I have one problem with that: it says that the world is ours and nothing else on it matters but for mankind. It was created for us, like some Kleenex for us to blow our snots all over and discarded after it's served its purpose. How thoughtful of humanity to think so highly of themselves and so little of everything else.

Most people who know me know I'm not religious. That can't be changed either. It's not that I'm some "unholy and unGodly" person, hellbent on destruction and chaos theory. No. I just don't trust humanity enough to let it lead me off a cliff. Some of the greatest psychologists of our day, Jung and Freud, bothformunated wonderfully sounds conclusions on religion. We need it to keep civilization civil. If all of us realized there was no "great one" watching our every move, the world would turn into chaos. Society as a whole isn't strong enough to comprehend that we can live great lives without the fear of "the wraith of God." We're far too primitive for that.

Religion is a crux for us to lean on when logic escapes us. Sure, I believe in reincarnation and souls, but that doesn't mean I want someone telling me who or what to bow down to. Christianity is only practiced by 10% of the world. Does that make the other 90% heathens? I should think not.

So, who's god is better than who's god? Who knows. Does it really matter anyway? People kill eachother over who is right and who is wrong. Is that "godly" behavior? What happened to "Let he who has never sinned cast the first stone" and "Judge not lets thou be judged?" All I can say is if there is some great powers that be looking down over us, whomever it is must be shaking their heads at our own srtupidity and ignorance. Surely, no god... whatever you wish to call him or her or it, would want its name attached to us.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Insomnia and Euroboys.....

Well what an interesting night!

I finished the chapter i'd been struggling to write, just barely. It's not my best work but oh well. At least it's written! LOL Not much else happened most of the night. I couldn't sleep at all, so as of now, I'm still running on no sleep. Bloody insomnia!!

Well, early in the wee hours of morning, I jumped in a few Yahoo chatrooms for the first time in years. I ended up sitting in a relatively empty room for a long while, and a guy came in. He was a cutie from Bulgaria... 26 too! LOL We talked about our taste in men, sex, etc. (he has a boyfriend... very nice guy though and very open to discussing everything! LOL) We talked about our heritage and such... he loves the Czech republic and was fascinated that I was half Czech. he was also glad to know I feel so strongly about Europe (he's not very pro-America, like me. Oops! I shouldn't say that. Bush will call be a "traitor" and lock me up for good. LOL Just kick me out, Dubya, and let some other country adopt me. LOL)

So I actually thought about becoming an actual European. Maybe going back to Czech Republic. Might be something to look into. Hey, you only live once, right? *gears turning* Must make money as an author first though... lol Hell, I'd even be fine working as a farmboy there. Getting all buff, surrounded by scantily-clad uncut, euro-beefcakes. *whimpers*

Well, my friends Bill and Shawn are having a party tonight... a Cheezy Movie Party. I'm sure I'll have a blast. Might have to take a nap beforehand though.. or I'll just slug through it all and pass out when I get home. LOL So many things to think about though. I think I might have to make my own ist of things I want to accomplish before i die. When you write things down, you're more likely to do them. We'll see about that!! LOL

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Slowly But Surely

Ooooh, what a day... still waking up. I've been staying up late involuntarily lately. Can't seem to get to sleep for the life of me at night. Me? An insomniac? What gives you that idea??

Well, the book's coming along very, very slowly.... hopefully I'm finish the second rite of chapter 8 today... maybe start on the next pair of chapters too. Depends on how ambitious I feel.

Well, only a couple days til my birthday! Whoopty-doo! LOL I think the older you get the less thrilling birthdays are... just a reminder of "oh, look! You're one step closer to the grave!!" LOL I took the time last night to update my wishlist, which seemed a little silly to me since no one checks it, since no one knows I have it really. LOL I gave my mother the subtle hint about it last night... better to get something you want for your birthday than one of those "gosh, what the heck am I going to do with this?" gifts. LOL But eh, it doesn't take much to please me. Sometimes, just having people remember your birthday is enough! ( My 20th birthday, my mother was the only one who remembered it... and my first boyfriend dumped me that morning... my 21st, I was bitched at by my boyfriend... my 25th I was dumped by the guy I was seeing for a friend of mine... wow, birthdays are bad luck!! No wonder the Titanic sank on that day.)

Oh, well... back to writing!! A writer writes.. always!

Friday, April 8, 2005

100 Fascinating Facts About Me

Ok, my friend Bill did this so I thought I'd give it a try.. might take me a while to finish it!

1. When I was 3, I thought my sister was my twin... even though she was 2 years older than me in reality.
2. I investigate ghosts.
3. I'm infatuated with all things British.
4. As a child, I wanted to become a train engineer.
5. In 4th grade, my favorite author was Agatha Christie.
6. I have been to 3 psychologists in my life; none of them helped me with anything at all.
7. I would go insane without music.
8. I'm still a bit afraid of the dark.
9. I believe I have seem ghosts before.
10. I have always wanted to go through past-life regression.
11. I read tarot cards.
12. I hated coffee until I started working at Starbucks in college.
13. I worked at an art gallery for about a year.
14. Tea is my drink of choice.
15. My favorite color is teal blue.
16. I fractured my wrist in middle school after slipping on wet stone in a quarry.
17. I broke my leg about a year ago after slipping on a patch of black ice.
18. My first pet was a Golden Retriever/Irish Setter mix named "Gumby".
19. I am an incessant worrier.
20. I was born on the same day the Titanic sank (not the same year though!)
21. I had one true attempt at suicide in my life. Pills. Lots of them.
22. A colored pencil drawing of mine was auctioned off at Art Fron the Heart, an AIDS benefit.
23. For a year, I blamed myself for the suicide of a college friend.
24. I've always wanted to make a movie.
25. I have traveled to several states: Maine, Massachussetts, Pennsylvania, Indiana, Illinois, Arkansas, Louisiana, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, West Virginia, and Virginia.
26. In college, I drove to Texas non-stop, after telling my mother I was spending the weekend in Kent.
27. I was on Channel 8 news in college on a segment about hate speech on the Kent State Campus.
28. I was in mixed choir, chamber choir, and show choir in high school.
29. I never kissed anyone until my freshman year of college... same with sex.
30. I went to a rave in college. (Yes, I tried exctasy.)
31. I started smoking when I was 21.
32. My first true crush was in college. It lead to an argument and we didn't speak for over a year.
33. I love them smell of burning coal, burning peat, and ocean water.
34. I've been to Paris twice and hated it both times.
35. I've traveled to London for a week, and shopped at the infamous Harrod's.
36. I attended the March on Washington for gay rights.
37. I have dabbled in Wicca.
38. I read carl Jung's work with psychology as an amusement.
39. I have seen RuPaul live on stage.
40. I have only attended one concert: Barenaked Ladies at the Gund Arena.
41. I love to cook.
42. Skeletons scare the hell out of me.
43. I used to collect rocks and minerals.
44. I love birds, especially parrots.
45. I love British comedy.
46. My favorite band is the Pet Shop Boys.
47. I have seen every "Murder, She Wrote" episode; I was a huge fan as a child.
48. I studied poisons as a child (yes, I was demented.)
49. I believe in reincarnation.
50. I tend to be obsessed with clocks and time.
51. I was considered mentally slow in grade school because i would stutter when reading aloud to the class. (Shyness and nervousness)
52. I had a precognitive dream of my parent's divorce years before it happened.
53. I memorized the movie "Clue" as a child, though i've forgotten a lot of it since.
54. I have a scar on my left arm from a VERY deep cat scratch.
55. I cried more than my mother did when I came out.
56. I still take St. Johns Wort to maintain emotional harmony.
57. I use to raise orchids.
58. I collected Wedgewood jasperware for 15 years.
59. Grey eyes and black hair make me weak in the knees.
60. I am deathly afraid of heights.
61. I played with a Ouija board once with my sister, trying to contact John Lennon. The clear day turned cloudy instantly and it hailed for a minute.
62. My first boyfriend dumped me at 3 AM over the phone on my birthday.
63. I hate guns, unless they're old flinklocks.
64. I've never met a psychic who told me something that actually did or would happen.
65. I don't have much trust and faith in humanity.
66. My 7th grade English teacher thought I plaigarized a story I wrote for class.
67. I love to design and do landscaping.
68. I always wanted to become a photographer, specializing in landscapes and male nudes. lol
69. I hate being in photographs.
70. I am definitely unpatriotic.
71. I tend to feel uncomfortable around most straight people.
72. I've worn boots instead of tennis shoes for over 5 years now.
73. I have only been in one physical fight in my life, and I lost.
74. I collect historical occult memorabilia.
75. I have been looking into a correlation between orb colors and auras ("orb color theory" as I call it) for about 4 years now.
76. I have been on the only legal investigation of Cleveland's haunted "Franklin Castle."
77. I totalled my second car, a black 2000 Honda Civic, when I hit a patch of gravel on a hill and rolled down into a small ravine.
78. I experienced unusual activity associated with Creole voodoo in a Louisiana cemetery.
79. I have never attached myself to any religious demonination.
80. I have lived in Northfield, Masillon, Columbus, Kent, and Akron, Ohio as well as Shreveport, Louisiana.
81. I love thunderstorms and lightning.
82. I have dated two former porn stars.
83. I have not formulated any opinions as to the existance of werewolves and vampires.
84. I once dated a Romanian from Transylvania.
85. I love sailing, but have a fear of drowning in open water.
86. I am fascinated by old coffins.
87. I hope to tour all of Europe some day.
88. I have always wanted to have an Aboriginal 'walkabout.'
89. I love old brick homes, pre-1910.
90. I have always felt older than I am.
91. I have never lived completely alone and am not sure I would want to.
92. My favorite car is a 1967 Austin Healey 3000 Mark III.
93. I love stained glass.
94. I have a crush on 2 straight friends.
95. Most male members of my family have had heart attacks before 40.
96. I love sugar maple trees in the fall.
97. I've done drag 3 times for Halloween.
98. I'm a bit of a pyromaniac... love fire a bit too much.
99. I really do believe that all the world is a stage, but there are too many bad actors and lousy directors in it.
100. I have a long fuse with most things that bother or irritate me, but once that fuse is burnt up, your ass is grass and I'm a lawn mower! TOWANDA!!!!!!