Saturday, April 30, 2005

Tedium Turned Into Epiphany

Well, yet another uneventful weekend...

... or so it may seem at first.

Last night was rather productive and helped me get a better idea of a plan of action for my future. There are two things that are important to me: spending time in Europe and leaving an impact on people... making them think or helping them better themselves. I have figured out a way to accomplish both and be happy at the same time! I knew there was a way....

Well, for now I'm not going to talk much about it. I tend to jinx myself if I talk about it and feel it's a "go" before anything's set out. I will say this though: Kent State is out for this fall. I need the time to save up the money for my venture next year. It will also give me time to research everything and brush up on my writing. I'm still working on the books, as well as several other book ideas that have come to me recently, but a new career choice is my underlying motive now. No, I'm not giving up writing or wanting to be published. I am still determined to do that. Just juggling things again....

It's raining yet again here. Dull and dreary Ohio springtime. I you need rain to encourage new growth though. And believe me, things are sprouting up all over!

Change is in the air, and it is good.....

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Late Literature and Missing Balls

Upon arriving home this late morning from a night of "Donnie Darko" and debauchery, I found my copy of "Literally", the Pet Shop Boys fan newsletter, waiting in the mail. It was a pleasant surprise, since this quarterly hasn't arrived since... well, over a year ago. Halfway in at the bottom there was a brief apology for the delay as well as an explanation: the writer has been working on a book which is a best-seller over in England. I guess I won't fault a fellow writer for letting one project slide while working on another. My own website has suffered while I've been working on a few books.

So, I sat down at my computer, getting ready for another day of writing and email. I happened to glance up to see the soccer player statue I bought myself for my birthday perched atop the old crate it had resided in on my bookcase. Something was different-his chest had three black spots trailing down it. But there was more. His forearm ended in a jagged piece of black resin. He had been wounded.

Apparently, this morning the bookcase was bumped and he tumbled forward, landing on two railroad spikes before hurling himself onto the carpeted floor: a vain suicide attempt gone awry. Though his head survived the trip, his left arm and the soccer ball it clutched took a detour from his body. I found it sitting beneath my chair. The pieces fit together quite smoothly so I believe he can be repaired with minimal effort. The cracks shouldn't be visible unless seen at a close proximity. The again, he's an athlete. He can handle a little rough-and-tumble handling. That's what they train for!

Besides, he only lost one ball. Two would have been catastrophic!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

War.. HUH... Good Gawd, Y'All... What Is It Good For?

I'll say it again... HUH....

Soldiers still dying in Iraq. Wait a minute. Hasn't the "war" been over for months now??

As the Pet Shop Boys said, "I hope it's going to be alright... I hope the music plays forever..."

War is one of the ultimate stupidities of mankind. There is never a reason for it. Never. I know some may disagree with me on this, but it's a simple fact. Hatred is energy wasted and misdirected. It's children fighting over toys and jealous of what one has over the other. It's name-calling with guns, knives, and bombs.

Religious beliefs and territorial disputes seem to account for every war ever fought. Of course, in saying this, I am ruling out revolutions. They aren't real wars. They are a plea for human rights and civil treatment. In such cases, physical attacks sometimes are the only methods that work. Any cornered animal will lash out to survive. Fighting for your own inalienable rights is understandable; squabbling over who is better or who owns what is simply grown men acting like children.

Sting said it best in his song, 'Children's Crusade':

"Pawns in the game are not victims of chance
Strewn over fields of Belgium and France
Poppies for young men, such bitter trade
All of those young lives betrayed
All for a children's crusade..."

Sadly, he's right. Soldiers die for someone else's pettiness. They are innocents whose lives are cut short without valid reason. Some of us believe it was justified, citing past arguments and demanding retribution. When all is said and done, is that truly enough? Can we say that the slaughter of a man who honestly knows nothing of his victim but for what he's been fed and taught is a heroic act? Isn't it truly yet another senseless act of violence perpetuated by our own self-cruelty? Where do we draw the line between murder and justifiable homicide? And most importantly, why do we allow the beliefs of one individual in power to determine our own fate?

I say we go back to the old ways with war, and I think George Washington and Napoleon would agree with me: the leaders of the nation should lead the battles as well. Put Bush on a horse and send him charging in front of the soldiers, planning the battles, seeing the casualties firsthand. Maybe if our world leaders were in that place, they would think more carefully before sending in the troops.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Better or Worse and Education

A dear friend from Brittain responded to my last post, saying "it could always be worse. But that's part of my point. He's right.

But... couldn't it be better?

Should we always just shrug our shoulders and reply "oh well.. It could be worse" and not stop and think, "wait. What's happening here? Why are we allowing this? Has history and revolutions across the world not taught us anything about standing up for what's right?"

We are one of the few countries who have not yet had a revolution. The American Revolution, you say? Bah. That was merely us founding our country, not a true revolution within ourselves. The Civil War? Merely an internal struggle for who is right and who is wrong, the right for a state to secede from the Union, and slavery. Never have we truly had a time where the people stood up to the government and said "stop this! You are not treating us fairly!" And honestly, I doubt it will ever happen. People are too complacent and naive to think such a thing. Thomas Paine is rolling over in his grave. Benedict Arnold is laughing. Thomas Jefferson is dumbfounded. Ben Franklin wishes he created an ink eraser.

American society is truly lazy and lacks thought. Sure, we have "equal education" and let anyone go to school. But we dumb down the curriculum to such a degree that we simply produce drones able to spit out recited facts and figures but unab;e to digest it and formulate their own opinions. The American educational system is inferior on a global scale. Anyone claiming otherwise just needs to look at other countries.

Well time to get off my soap box again! LOL I just needed to vent for a while. I'll just sit quietly and wait for the Secret Service of the FBI to take me away in a straight jacket now. LOL

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Unsinkable? Unthinkable!

Friday, while having a horrible day, I saw a sign in brecksville Square. "God Bless America."

So much for freedom of religion.

That's one of the many things that irritates me about the United States of America. Bigotry. Ignorance. Puritanical beliefs. Everything either has an owner or a price tag. There is no untamed and free space left. One thing after another. A series of chains and bindings slowly suffocating us.. or those with enough thought to see it.

We claim to be a nation of the free, free to be whoever you are and believe in what you must. But there's a subtle undertone: Be yourself, as long as it's what the rest of us are.

Inexplicable hatred still plagues this country. being gay can still land you in a hospital or grave. Not being Christian can lead to shunning and hate speech. Being an independent thinker can land you in jail. Not trusting or believing in the President can label you a traitor or a Communist.

We've already come too close to another Red Scare. After 9/11, we gave up so many rights in our fear and anger. Retaliation was all that mattered, no matter what we gave up in the process. Now, we might need a passport to get into Canada. You can be thrown in jail if a police officer asks you who you are and you refuse to answer. I guess that means we need to carry our "papers" with us at all times, mein heir. What next? World domination and the "undesirables" being shuffled into concentration camps? Some of you may think this is a bit of a stretch, but to me, it's an uncomfortable thought. To add to things, our economy isn't booming like the rich people believe. There is high unemployment and a staggering number of people in debt beyond all comprehension.

People tell me I should be proud to be an American and live in this country. As an enlightened thinker, I don't see it. Most of the world dislikes us for the actions of our "fearless leader" who cares more about the life of a terminally ill woman in Florida than thousands who died in NYC. We're one of the only "civilized countries" in the world without national health care. The Christian Right has precedence over anything logical and just. Proud, you say? of what? Puritanical beliefs? No health care? Greed? Poverty? The illusion of freedom?

We're on the Titanic, an unsinkable beast of a ship, sailing away. The iceberg hasn't frightened anyone at all... they're even playing in the ice on the deck. The crew is cutting away the lifeboats slowly. Our captain seems hellbent on us all going down with his ship.

As for me, I refuse to. Call me unpatriotic. Call me a traitor. Hell, call me whatever you please. i will find some form of flotation device one day and escape the suction of the sinking vessel.

The End is Near... Film at 11!!

"Repent. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand."
"You angel's whistlin' Dixie?"
"Armageddon is almost upon us."
"I've got news for you: it's already here."
"But your souls are in danger!"
"Our lives are in danger, you beatnick!"

Clue. Such a great movie....

In all reality, these same conversations happen everyday. I was watching a program today about the end of the world. Yes, cheerful stuff. 2012 is supposed to be it for all of us. How cheerful, they give us 7 more years before everything ends!! Well, we have to forget about the other predictions from the past few hundred years that have come and gone. How utterly shocking...

But still, global warming, religious wars, overpopulation, pollution, depletion of fossil fuels... we are slowly killing ourselves and our planet. Along that line of thinking, we definitely might mot last another hundred years.

But "God" ending the world and the people needing to prepare for the destruction of Earth for our behavior? I have one problem with that: it says that the world is ours and nothing else on it matters but for mankind. It was created for us, like some Kleenex for us to blow our snots all over and discarded after it's served its purpose. How thoughtful of humanity to think so highly of themselves and so little of everything else.

Most people who know me know I'm not religious. That can't be changed either. It's not that I'm some "unholy and unGodly" person, hellbent on destruction and chaos theory. No. I just don't trust humanity enough to let it lead me off a cliff. Some of the greatest psychologists of our day, Jung and Freud, bothformunated wonderfully sounds conclusions on religion. We need it to keep civilization civil. If all of us realized there was no "great one" watching our every move, the world would turn into chaos. Society as a whole isn't strong enough to comprehend that we can live great lives without the fear of "the wraith of God." We're far too primitive for that.

Religion is a crux for us to lean on when logic escapes us. Sure, I believe in reincarnation and souls, but that doesn't mean I want someone telling me who or what to bow down to. Christianity is only practiced by 10% of the world. Does that make the other 90% heathens? I should think not.

So, who's god is better than who's god? Who knows. Does it really matter anyway? People kill eachother over who is right and who is wrong. Is that "godly" behavior? What happened to "Let he who has never sinned cast the first stone" and "Judge not lets thou be judged?" All I can say is if there is some great powers that be looking down over us, whomever it is must be shaking their heads at our own srtupidity and ignorance. Surely, no god... whatever you wish to call him or her or it, would want its name attached to us.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Insomnia and Euroboys.....

Well what an interesting night!

I finished the chapter i'd been struggling to write, just barely. It's not my best work but oh well. At least it's written! LOL Not much else happened most of the night. I couldn't sleep at all, so as of now, I'm still running on no sleep. Bloody insomnia!!

Well, early in the wee hours of morning, I jumped in a few Yahoo chatrooms for the first time in years. I ended up sitting in a relatively empty room for a long while, and a guy came in. He was a cutie from Bulgaria... 26 too! LOL We talked about our taste in men, sex, etc. (he has a boyfriend... very nice guy though and very open to discussing everything! LOL) We talked about our heritage and such... he loves the Czech republic and was fascinated that I was half Czech. he was also glad to know I feel so strongly about Europe (he's not very pro-America, like me. Oops! I shouldn't say that. Bush will call be a "traitor" and lock me up for good. LOL Just kick me out, Dubya, and let some other country adopt me. LOL)

So I actually thought about becoming an actual European. Maybe going back to Czech Republic. Might be something to look into. Hey, you only live once, right? *gears turning* Must make money as an author first though... lol Hell, I'd even be fine working as a farmboy there. Getting all buff, surrounded by scantily-clad uncut, euro-beefcakes. *whimpers*

Well, my friends Bill and Shawn are having a party tonight... a Cheezy Movie Party. I'm sure I'll have a blast. Might have to take a nap beforehand though.. or I'll just slug through it all and pass out when I get home. LOL So many things to think about though. I think I might have to make my own ist of things I want to accomplish before i die. When you write things down, you're more likely to do them. We'll see about that!! LOL

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Slowly But Surely

Ooooh, what a day... still waking up. I've been staying up late involuntarily lately. Can't seem to get to sleep for the life of me at night. Me? An insomniac? What gives you that idea??

Well, the book's coming along very, very slowly.... hopefully I'm finish the second rite of chapter 8 today... maybe start on the next pair of chapters too. Depends on how ambitious I feel.

Well, only a couple days til my birthday! Whoopty-doo! LOL I think the older you get the less thrilling birthdays are... just a reminder of "oh, look! You're one step closer to the grave!!" LOL I took the time last night to update my wishlist, which seemed a little silly to me since no one checks it, since no one knows I have it really. LOL I gave my mother the subtle hint about it last night... better to get something you want for your birthday than one of those "gosh, what the heck am I going to do with this?" gifts. LOL But eh, it doesn't take much to please me. Sometimes, just having people remember your birthday is enough! ( My 20th birthday, my mother was the only one who remembered it... and my first boyfriend dumped me that morning... my 21st, I was bitched at by my boyfriend... my 25th I was dumped by the guy I was seeing for a friend of mine... wow, birthdays are bad luck!! No wonder the Titanic sank on that day.)

Oh, well... back to writing!! A writer writes.. always!

Friday, April 8, 2005

100 Fascinating Facts About Me

Ok, my friend Bill did this so I thought I'd give it a try.. might take me a while to finish it!

1. When I was 3, I thought my sister was my twin... even though she was 2 years older than me in reality.
2. I investigate ghosts.
3. I'm infatuated with all things British.
4. As a child, I wanted to become a train engineer.
5. In 4th grade, my favorite author was Agatha Christie.
6. I have been to 3 psychologists in my life; none of them helped me with anything at all.
7. I would go insane without music.
8. I'm still a bit afraid of the dark.
9. I believe I have seem ghosts before.
10. I have always wanted to go through past-life regression.
11. I read tarot cards.
12. I hated coffee until I started working at Starbucks in college.
13. I worked at an art gallery for about a year.
14. Tea is my drink of choice.
15. My favorite color is teal blue.
16. I fractured my wrist in middle school after slipping on wet stone in a quarry.
17. I broke my leg about a year ago after slipping on a patch of black ice.
18. My first pet was a Golden Retriever/Irish Setter mix named "Gumby".
19. I am an incessant worrier.
20. I was born on the same day the Titanic sank (not the same year though!)
21. I had one true attempt at suicide in my life. Pills. Lots of them.
22. A colored pencil drawing of mine was auctioned off at Art Fron the Heart, an AIDS benefit.
23. For a year, I blamed myself for the suicide of a college friend.
24. I've always wanted to make a movie.
25. I have traveled to several states: Maine, Massachussetts, Pennsylvania, Indiana, Illinois, Arkansas, Louisiana, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, West Virginia, and Virginia.
26. In college, I drove to Texas non-stop, after telling my mother I was spending the weekend in Kent.
27. I was on Channel 8 news in college on a segment about hate speech on the Kent State Campus.
28. I was in mixed choir, chamber choir, and show choir in high school.
29. I never kissed anyone until my freshman year of college... same with sex.
30. I went to a rave in college. (Yes, I tried exctasy.)
31. I started smoking when I was 21.
32. My first true crush was in college. It lead to an argument and we didn't speak for over a year.
33. I love them smell of burning coal, burning peat, and ocean water.
34. I've been to Paris twice and hated it both times.
35. I've traveled to London for a week, and shopped at the infamous Harrod's.
36. I attended the March on Washington for gay rights.
37. I have dabbled in Wicca.
38. I read carl Jung's work with psychology as an amusement.
39. I have seen RuPaul live on stage.
40. I have only attended one concert: Barenaked Ladies at the Gund Arena.
41. I love to cook.
42. Skeletons scare the hell out of me.
43. I used to collect rocks and minerals.
44. I love birds, especially parrots.
45. I love British comedy.
46. My favorite band is the Pet Shop Boys.
47. I have seen every "Murder, She Wrote" episode; I was a huge fan as a child.
48. I studied poisons as a child (yes, I was demented.)
49. I believe in reincarnation.
50. I tend to be obsessed with clocks and time.
51. I was considered mentally slow in grade school because i would stutter when reading aloud to the class. (Shyness and nervousness)
52. I had a precognitive dream of my parent's divorce years before it happened.
53. I memorized the movie "Clue" as a child, though i've forgotten a lot of it since.
54. I have a scar on my left arm from a VERY deep cat scratch.
55. I cried more than my mother did when I came out.
56. I still take St. Johns Wort to maintain emotional harmony.
57. I use to raise orchids.
58. I collected Wedgewood jasperware for 15 years.
59. Grey eyes and black hair make me weak in the knees.
60. I am deathly afraid of heights.
61. I played with a Ouija board once with my sister, trying to contact John Lennon. The clear day turned cloudy instantly and it hailed for a minute.
62. My first boyfriend dumped me at 3 AM over the phone on my birthday.
63. I hate guns, unless they're old flinklocks.
64. I've never met a psychic who told me something that actually did or would happen.
65. I don't have much trust and faith in humanity.
66. My 7th grade English teacher thought I plaigarized a story I wrote for class.
67. I love to design and do landscaping.
68. I always wanted to become a photographer, specializing in landscapes and male nudes. lol
69. I hate being in photographs.
70. I am definitely unpatriotic.
71. I tend to feel uncomfortable around most straight people.
72. I've worn boots instead of tennis shoes for over 5 years now.
73. I have only been in one physical fight in my life, and I lost.
74. I collect historical occult memorabilia.
75. I have been looking into a correlation between orb colors and auras ("orb color theory" as I call it) for about 4 years now.
76. I have been on the only legal investigation of Cleveland's haunted "Franklin Castle."
77. I totalled my second car, a black 2000 Honda Civic, when I hit a patch of gravel on a hill and rolled down into a small ravine.
78. I experienced unusual activity associated with Creole voodoo in a Louisiana cemetery.
79. I have never attached myself to any religious demonination.
80. I have lived in Northfield, Masillon, Columbus, Kent, and Akron, Ohio as well as Shreveport, Louisiana.
81. I love thunderstorms and lightning.
82. I have dated two former porn stars.
83. I have not formulated any opinions as to the existance of werewolves and vampires.
84. I once dated a Romanian from Transylvania.
85. I love sailing, but have a fear of drowning in open water.
86. I am fascinated by old coffins.
87. I hope to tour all of Europe some day.
88. I have always wanted to have an Aboriginal 'walkabout.'
89. I love old brick homes, pre-1910.
90. I have always felt older than I am.
91. I have never lived completely alone and am not sure I would want to.
92. My favorite car is a 1967 Austin Healey 3000 Mark III.
93. I love stained glass.
94. I have a crush on 2 straight friends.
95. Most male members of my family have had heart attacks before 40.
96. I love sugar maple trees in the fall.
97. I've done drag 3 times for Halloween.
98. I'm a bit of a pyromaniac... love fire a bit too much.
99. I really do believe that all the world is a stage, but there are too many bad actors and lousy directors in it.
100. I have a long fuse with most things that bother or irritate me, but once that fuse is burnt up, your ass is grass and I'm a lawn mower! TOWANDA!!!!!!

A Trip Down Memory Lane

It's fascinating how people from our past sometimes haunt us like ghosts in the dark, only occasionally showing a faint glimpse and reminding us of times lost in the annuls of our memory banks.

A few weeks ago, my forner best friend from elementary school contacted me out of the blue. Paul... I remember him well. From times playing in the backwoods of the apartment complex where he loved to his rambunctious temperament to the carefree lives we lead as children. Nostalgia has crept in ever since, forcing me to return to thoughts of people I have known over the years. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

There's also Adam Ellis, one of the many friends I knew who vanished from sight without a trace: a former model and wonderfully pleasant man from China, Maine. I'll always remember him for introducing me to Bjork's music, living life to the fullest, and his warm smile. Sure, we had some rough moments while I visited the first time and my bizarre sense of humor caused some awkward arguments between us, but to both of our surprises, our friendship did last a few years before he just disappeared. Who knows where he is now. Though the scrapes and cuts healed from my feet from racing in from the rock hill in the ocean as the tide poured in unannounced, it is still one of my fondest and happiest memories.

And who could forget John Jackson, the kid in my high school who beat me out as "Most Shy" of our graduating class. He was a very quiet and shy boy, but very kind and unforgetable. I remember my own mild annoyance at him following me around during lunch time when I'd go to my locker. I'd even test him sometimes, going to my locker at obscure times during lunch, or passing it by to see if he'd follow me. LOL I always wondered if he did it cause he wanted to have a friendship or something. I'll admit, I did like him a lot, and if it weren't for our shyness, I think we would have become good friends. I still think about him from time to time and wonder where he is now. Wherever that might be, I hope he's happy and content with his life.

So many people... so much has changed... so many ideas for fiction stories.. lol