Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Agony of Defeet (sic)

Another weekend has come and gone. Although this one was far more dull than most others. With my family out of town, I was caught in the clutches of cat sitting for the better part of the weekend, feeling trapped and confined and wishing I were anywhere but home. Both myself and my boyfriend were frustrated that we didn't get hardly any time to spend together, so it's made for a difficult start to the week.

Yesterday, we did head out to the mall after work for a little shopping. I finally made an important purchase: new shoes! Sketchers were on sale, and he convinced me to go with brown, after a long debate over whether or not it would "clash" with any of my clothing. I gave in and bought them anyway. We then had dinner at Friday's and headed back for home, after visiting his mother in the hospital.

That night, he had a bit of a breakdown in front of me. The stress of his family and feeling like he hasn't accomplished anything yet in his life finally sent him over, ranting and raving and losing his temper at everything. I was patient and finally calmed him down. We talked for a good hour about everything going on in his mind and mine. The rest of the night went smoothly, before another early morning of me going off to work. Such is the life of a bread-winner, I guess!

Today's been rather difficult for me though. We talk every day on the phone when I get home from work. Today shouldn't have been any exception, except for a glitch: his phone at home has been "temporarily disconnected"; in other words, with his mother in the hospital, no one bothered to pay the phone bill. So, for the past several hours, I've been trying to keep my mind off of worrying about if he's ok. Knowing how stressed he already is, combined with his one lifeline cut off, and adding in the fact that his friend Nick cancelled on him without telling him... I tend to fear the worst. I'm hoping he went to visit his mother in the hospital and tell her about the phone, possibly call his father from there and inform him, so it can be turned back on. Otherwise, all I can do is wait until either tomorrow or Friday when i get a chance to see him again. I know he wouldn't do anything stupid, but I fear for his sanity above all else. He has no means of escape at this very moment... no drugs, alcohol, car, phone, internet, reliable friends,...

I just hope when I get to see him soon he's relatively stable and not a mental case. To add to it, my friend Steve called and left a message that he was heading to the hospital-and from my experience with him, that's never a good thing. Needless to say, sleep might be a difficult option for me tonight. So much going on, and not a damned thing I can do about any of it....

Thursday, September 15, 2005

By The Pricking of My Thumbs...

Well, all in all, this hasn't been a perfect day. I'm cat sitting for the weekend (thrilling, I know) and that means I have no definite plans and can't stay away for too long any day for my three-day weekend. It won't be too bad, though. I'll be able to get outside, weather permitting, and if a miracle happens, I might be able to see the boyfriend at some point over the weekend (which is doubtful, since his friend Nick is as reliable as a broken clock.)

Other than that, tomorrow is a short day at work, thankfully. Too much work and no time to have anything that resembles a life isn't healthy. Time to try to branch out and start doing things again without being exhausted from work and just wanting to be in a catatonic state.

In other news... I tried to repierce my ear tonight. Scary, huh? Let's just say I was feeling "primitive" and had one of those random thoughts that seem utterly stupid pop into my head. Trying to push the earring through the closed-up hole didn't work. (How smart of me to think it might!) I grabbed a sewing needle and, after 3 pauses to try to muster up the courage, pushed it through. Aah, success!! Or was it...? I took the needle out and tried putting the earring in. It stopped halfway because, try as I might, I couldn't find the hole on the opposite side of my ear! Oh, the frustration!! I finally gave up and put some ice on it. It's not even bleeding, which is odd since when I have had my ears pierced in the past, they bleed like I'm about to die.

So much for an attempt to handle this one on my own!!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Mary Jane's Mistress

I have never been so happily miserable before in life. Lately, the husband's been on a marijuana binge, so to speak. For nearly two weeks now, from the time he wakes up til the time he goes to bed, he's smoking almost constantly. Honestly, I don't know what to do about it anymore.
Whenever alcohol or pot is involved, we fight like cats and dogs. Today, after being bitched at all morning long over anything (not intentionally though... I was simply the best target for his morning crankiness) and staring at that smug dope-induced grin staring down at me while I was hurting inside, I snapped. He was on top of me so I grabbed his hair to get him off me. Of course, to him, I had done something wrong unprovoked. He always says "I didn't do anything", and sometimes I believe he truly feels that way.

But other times, it's almost as if he's intentionally doing and saying things to push me so far I snap and walk out on him forever. I've tried my best to understand him and I came up with the realization that I can't right now. It's like beong with a wild mustang I'm trying to tame, but in the act of trying to break him in, it's breaking myself. No one I have ever known can bring out the anger and frustration I sometimes feel. Honestly, either I need counseling, he does, or we both do. I tend to agree more with the latter. In the mean time, I'm going to try to get back into the routine of having a world outside of him. Him being everything to me isn't very healthy. I've been neglecting my world too much in the effort of making him see the world outside of our existance. In trying to stop him from escaping through substances and seeing the things that can change our perceptions, I've shut everything else out, even the things I love doing. And I'm sure everyone around me sees that all too clearly.

Today is a day that everything changed for a lot of people. September 11th. It's also the day my last boyfriend and I ended out three-year relationship. I guess you could say something bad was bound to happen on this day, but I intend on making the negative a positive. Something has to change, and for the better.

Thursday, September 1, 2005

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fondler

Yes, I know. Bad Ken. I've been neglecting my journal lately. I've been neglecting the internet period lately. It has its good and bad moments, but I need to find a good balance still.

Well, in the past few weeks, not too much has changed. My friend Bill injured his foot at Bounce, while my boyfriend was being a drunken, belligerent moron. Aaah, alcohol. Mother nature's way to ensure a disasterous time! Work has been driving me insane as well. Never enough time in the day. A few new things of note though: I'm looking into making soap and candles to sell to turn into my own little business, and I'm getting contacts (yes, finally! Tomorrow is my appointment to try out the trial lenses.)

My boyfriend's been doing rather well. We have our moments, but that generally boils downto our frustration. He's frustrated that we don't get to spend enough time with each other, which I understand but can't help right now. He's learning too that spending toomuch time in the house is stressing him out even more. So, this weekend, we're going hiking and spending time away from the great indoors. I have a three-day weekend due to the holiday and I'm determined to make it a good one. Yes, we both need to relieve our stress and frustration better so we don't pick fights with each other, but that will change. But he does need to get over the jealousy thing. If I talk about soaps or researching them online, he gets upset that he's not getting attention anymore. It's quite comical sometimes!

Oh, and an odd thing happened: my former roommate and friend Steve waltzed back into my life. A phone call out of the blue apologizing and seeing how I was doing brought that on. I still need to call him back. Ick. I'm terrible at calling people! That needs to change...