Ding-Dong, Avon Calling!

It was a very good and strange weekend. Ghosthunting, spending time with the husband, and feeling worked to death. And then, this afternoon, the unthinkable happened...

...I met the ex-boyfriend.

Out of the blue, while I was with my boyfriend, the phone rang. His ex called. Wanted to stop over. *GULP* Talk about a situation that can cause panic in the most confident people!! And to make things better, he was only half an hour away.

We were in the kitchen when he pulled up. My heart completely stopped dead. I had heard that he was a "big guy, like me" so I guess I expected a chunky boy to climb out of the car. Nope. This guy was BUILT, tan, and friggin HOT!! I couldn't think of anything to say, and yes, I was a little intimidated. Huge arms. Slightly taller than me. Wow. He looks EXACTLY how I've always wanted to look. It reminded me of a line from Broken Hearts Club: "I want to be Cole! Why can't I be Cole??"

Insecure, party of one, your table's ready.

We all talked for a short time before I had to go. He was a really nice guy. He even said if I ever need a ride over to see my boyfriend, he'd be happy to pick me up, and we all three can go out to a club some time. It's not fair! Exes are supposed to be despicable characters no one likes, not attractive, nice guys! I definitely don't mind him being in my boyfriend's life. He seems like he'd be a good person to have around. Ryan needs more friends. If they're an ex, so be it. Hell, I'm friends with a few of my exes too. If he can trust me, I have no reason to worry. If he hasn't left me in 8 months, he's not going to pick up and leave like that. There's too much love there.

So, for the first time, I'm throwing my insecurities away. If I always worry about him running off with someone better than me, one day it'll happen. The mind is a powerful thing and creates its own reality sometimes like that. This could be the opening of a new chapter for us... New (and old) friends, a social life, a new look for his bedroom (yes, he finally decided on the colors!) Things are swell right now. I'm not about to let past issues and events come back to haunt me and ruin something this wonderful. I love Ryan. I believe in him. And we have a long journey still ahead of us. Be it bumpy or smooth, I'm sure it'll be a wonderful trip!

Text From the Crypt

It was a night like any other. Until the strange text message came flashing across my cell phone.

An old ghost from my past mistakenly sent me a message. Cue Rod Serling.

It's funny how one moment, even an area code,can bring your mind racing back to moments in your past you wish never happened. Stupid, childish times. Harsh words. Anger and battles best never fought in the first place.

Yet we all have demons in our closet. Some of us can block them out. Others, like myself, never learn to forget our shame, guilt, and horrible feelings. Moments like this make me think of everything I have done in my life for which I have not made ammends. Sour times when responsibility could have saved many people from so much trouble.

Alas, some things we bury and forget. It is not to lessen their significance, but to press onward, toward a brighter future. Nothing can change the past, but anything can change the future. That chapter in my life is closed. The future unwritten.

And as they say, everything happens for a reason...

The Good Kind of Drought

Life is good.

I went out tonight with my friend Bill and his boyfriend Shawn to see "War of the Worlds"... very interesting movie. I'd be tempted to say it was actually good! LOL But my mind has been so clouded since I came home, I have forgotten. Why, you ask? Simple: one phone call.

I called my boyfriend tonight to see how his day was. He shocked me completely in what he said. Now what could floor me so much? One sentence. "I'm quitting drinking completely."

Yes, you heard right. No more alcohol. He told me he realized he's been using it as a crutch to block out the bad in his life and it needs to stop now. He's been completely sober for almost 2 weeks now. No more drinking binges or hanging out with other drinkers and spending money on that. He thanked me for being there for him through all the stupid things he's done. He also finally has started making plans for our future. He wants us to have a long, wonderful relationship, and he's putting effort into making sure that happens. According to him, my words finally rubbed off and he realizes that there's so much more out there for us. No more bickering when he gets tipsy and starts acting like a two-year-old and picking fights. e're in this together for the long haul.

Ok. So maybe he can forget about worrying about getting me a late birthday present this year. This one tops anything I could ever get.

Changing Winds

Another exciting day in my world...

Well, next week's investigation is shaping up nicely. I have 2 people confirmed: well-known psychic Anne Miller and her daughter Brenda. I'm waiting to hear back from a few others who want to go, but have to check their schedules. This could very well become the most exciting investigation I've had thus far. And with the added benefit of having the press there, I'm pleased as punch!!

Tonight's another movie night. My friend Bill, his boyfriend Shawn, and I are going to see "War of the Worlds". I'll give Tom Cruise the benefit of a doubt on this one. LOL I'm going to see my boyfriend this weekend (spending some time in the park.. outdoors? Did he actually suggest that?? Who is he and what has he done with my boyfriend??? lol), then it's back to work as usual for me. So many projects going on now!!!! But it's good to be busy. It keeps us feeling alive.

Change is in the air in so many ways, and for once, all the change seems to be positive. Now I just need to get back on the balll with my writing and my life will be going as perfectly as it can be now!

Measuring Up

Ok, so I'm going to talk about the boyfriend again.. so I lied! Sue me!

This just popped into my mind, and it's something that has been on my mind for a while. Size issues. And I don't mean shoe size.....

My boyfriend is about as insecure as I am in every possible way. Sad, isn't it? And of course, one of his issues is his "member". He's been told before thatr he's "too small" so he worries about that.

I don't know who told him that, but it sounds like something I might have said in college when I was the "if it's not an 11 inch uncut monster, throw it back!" type of size queen I once was. Ok, so I still can be like that, but hey, we all have our preferences! I reassure him that he's fine in the pants. And it's true. He may not be John Holmes, but he would never be called "Stumpy"!! Above-average is nice, even if it's not a monster. I blame his worries on all the porn he watches!

That's one negative thing for us gay men: the expectations porn gives us. If we're not 230 Lbs. of solid muscle with a tree limb hanging between our legs, we feel like less than a man. Why is that?? I usually like my men on the skinny side, and as long as he's good in bed, I'm happy! But still, it's more about the person than the dick. Then again, most men think with the head between their legs anyway!!

Ok. So maybe I miss a good challenge sometimes, but I wouldn't trade my man for the world. And if I really was in the mood for a more endowed man, I know my boyfriend would bring up the idea of a threesome. lol Such is life when you're dating a nympho!!!

Today, Canada, Tomorrow the World!!!

Yes, finally, all of Canada made same-sex marriage legal! This follows Spain's decision to legalize marriage earlier this month. Well? What's with the US?? Aren't we supposed to be the progressive ones? Don't tell me we're so archaic that we can't follow suit...

Personally, I plan on getting married some day. Hopefully to my current boyfriend. I know I've probably concentrated too much on our relationship in my last few posts, so I won't go in depth on that today. He's been in pain (he's getting a root canal next week) and the vicodins have been making him groggy, so it was a rather uneventful few days with him. I played nurse most of the time!

In other news... today was my interview with the reporter for the Akron Beacon Journal. All went very well, and next week he's taking photographs for the article out at a few haunted locations. Sounds like it'll be a decent-sized article. Let's hope this one reads well too!! Hopefully it'll convince the park that a ghost tour would generate more tourism. They aren't liking the idea right now, so I could use all the support I can get. Even if I need to create a petition and give them 5000 signatures of people willing to purchase tickets for the tours. Maybe this will generate a little publicity and snap them into action. Give the people what they want!!

In the Cards

Well, this evening I went to a picnic with a few ghost hunters from northeast Ohio. For a small group, we had fun, checking out a few local places in the valley during daylight hours and getting a few digital pictures for my site. All in all, it was a rather pleasant evening.

I came home, called the husband, and watched Dead Zone. My boyfriend was a little busy, getting ready to go out with some friends to the Interbelt Nite Club in Akron. I felt bad, not being able to come along... well, not being invited. Just more insecurities on my part. His friends were bugging him so he had to get off the phone.

I hate people.

Well, tomorrow I'm supposed to call before I come over. I hope he's awake. Who knows when he'll be back. I had another daydream of something happening tonight, so I feel like complete crap. in the daydream, he went home with someone.. drunk as a skunk. I always worry when I have these dreams because twice they were true. Ok, they didn't happen exactly like I dreampt but they were at least similar in subject. All I can say is I hope it's just paranoia and not psychic ability. Some people say they want to know their future or what's happening somewhere else. After the few times I've experienced this, I'd give anything not to have known.

Mental note: invest in Maalox.

I gave myself a mini Tarot reading, like I have in the past to find out what's happening. Not sure I'm happy with the results.

1. The Star: loss, theft, privation, abandonment
2. Queen of Cups Reversed: perverse woman, vice, dishonor, depravity
3. Queen of Pentacles Reversed: evil, suspicion, suspense, fear, mistrust
4. Knight of Pentacles: utility, responsibility, interest
5. 6 of Swords: a journey
6. 7 of Swords Reversed: good advice, counsel
7. 5 of Swords: destruction, dishonor, loss

Somebody Else's Business

"He loves her, but he sometimes thinks she's crazy
Laughing, the next minute mad
And saying 'I think you're wasting my time'
Crying, then changing her mind.

She's screaming and shouting and everything's blinding
She's laughing out loud, and they say cause she's mine
It's somebody else's business, somebody else's business..."

My boyfriend has a bad toothache. Again. He already had one tooth pulled. I really think he needs to take better care of himself sometimes. I just worry too much about him too. We had a discussion last night about my insecurities. Mostly, they're just absurd and grounded in my low self-esteem and poor body image. When I hurt inside and he hurts outside, we tend to take it out on each other, which isn't healthy. I talked with a friend of his yesterday online about our issues. She said, "there's no changing him. He will never get a job. He can't handle work. He is the way he is and that will never change. I'm sorry."

Sorry my ass. LOL People can become better people. When you give up on someone, that's when they go downhill. He's not some lost cause. He just needs to believe in himself more. That's the issue here. And maybe having some positive friends would do wonders too. Being around people who drink and smoke and don't seem to give a damn about him or his well-being is why he is the way he is sometimes. He's easily influenced by his surroundings. Criticism and mockery don't do shit for someone with low self-esteem and self-worth.

"She suffers from such violent mood swings
He says they disagree
He loves her, and life is never boring
Some say it's just being free....

She's screaming and shouting and everything's blinding
She's laughing out loud, and they say cause she's mine
It's somebody else's business, somebody else's business..."

Nowhere To Run

Tonight has been one of the most unnerving experiences I've ever had in my life. As they say, you never know what happens behind closed doors.

I went out for a paranormal investigation, coming home just shortly after midnight. At 12:30, the phone rings. It's my boyfriend. He NEVER calls. He's crying and screaming and flipping out. I calmed him down enough to explain to me what happened.

My boyfriend went out for a couple beers with a female friend. When he came home, his father started laying into him, yelling at him about being out. My boyfriend yelled right back. His father stood up and shoved him down on the floor, pinning him down with all his weight. Now for those of you who don't know, my boyfriend is a small guy... maybe 130 pounds soaking wet. His father works out. While on top of him, his father started choking him. Seriously. He couldn't breathe. His mother did nothing. He fought back, scratching his father's face pretty badly from the sound of it and finally broke free.

Needless to say, he didn't feel comfortable staying in the house, but what option was there? Neither of us have many friends, and in an emergency situation like this, it's a very helpless feeling to know you're too far without any means of rescue. All I could do was calm him down as much as possible til he finally exhausted himself and decided to barricade himself in his room for the night and try to get some sleep. He had a tooth pulled so he's still in pain from that, not to mention the pain in his arm from scratches and bruising. So now, I realize how badly he needs out of that hellish place he calls "home".

I can honestly say now I understand why he drinks and smokes. He's trying to numb himself. This apparently isn't the first time this has happened either. He failed to mention this before, and there could be many reasons for that. Embarrassment. Fear. Shame. All I know is it won't happen again if I can help it. Where there's a will, there's a way. He says it's not my problem, but I disagree. We're a couple. It is my problem when my boyfriend's life is in danger. One time is too many. Abuse is abuse, and violence of any kind is intolerable.

But for now, there's not much I can do. I made a pot of coffee so I might be awake for a while. Even though I'm tired, I want to be awake in case he needs to call me again. Not like I can do anything, but at least I can listen. It may not be much, but it's all I really have right now. One of us has to remain calm and collective to try to figure out what to do. Whatever it may be.

Take My Picture, Snapshot

Well, I'm finally back home, as relative as that might be! The time away was nice, but it's time to get down to business.

I have a few eBay projects to work on this week, including two original products to make and sell. Both are quite interesting, and now that I figured out a feasible way of making them, it's all systems go! No more putting it off. It's time to start to make a little money on the side with my ideas.

In other news, I have a new investment that should prove interesting. I now own a Kodak No. 2A Folding Cartridge Hawkeye Model B Camera. It's in very good condition, I just need to figure out how a few things on it work and I can start taking old-fashioned pictures on it. I'd like to get back into photography again, and this might be something fun to pass the time on those hot summer days with nothing else to do. They still make the film for it and I know a place online I can get it. I'm just going to wait until I know what I'm doing with the camera before I start buying the film. It's definitely a unique thing to have... Especially in working order! It could be quite an interesting way to make nostalgic pictures... Maybe even earn a little profit off it as well! Hey,I'm an American. I know the meaning of the almighty dollar!

Well, I hope this heat lets up a little. My boyfriend and I were scheduled to have a picnic, but I think we might just eat on his porch instead of out in the sweltering sun. Besides, I need to take a few pictures of him too so I can finally have a framed picture of him to set on my desk. Digital pictures are fine, but I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy. I like something tangible.

Fireworks tonight. Possibly in more ways than one!