I have never been so happily miserable before in life. Lately, the husband's been on a marijuana binge, so to speak. For nearly two weeks now, from the time he wakes up til the time he goes to bed, he's smoking almost constantly. Honestly, I don't know what to do about it anymore.
Whenever alcohol or pot is involved, we fight like cats and dogs. Today, after being bitched at all morning long over anything (not intentionally though... I was simply the best target for his morning crankiness) and staring at that smug dope-induced grin staring down at me while I was hurting inside, I snapped. He was on top of me so I grabbed his hair to get him off me. Of course, to him, I had done something wrong unprovoked. He always says "I didn't do anything", and sometimes I believe he truly feels that way.
But other times, it's almost as if he's intentionally doing and saying things to push me so far I snap and walk out on him forever. I've tried my best to understand him and I came up with the realization that I can't right now. It's like beong with a wild mustang I'm trying to tame, but in the act of trying to break him in, it's breaking myself. No one I have ever known can bring out the anger and frustration I sometimes feel. Honestly, either I need counseling, he does, or we both do. I tend to agree more with the latter. In the mean time, I'm going to try to get back into the routine of having a world outside of him. Him being everything to me isn't very healthy. I've been neglecting my world too much in the effort of making him see the world outside of our existance. In trying to stop him from escaping through substances and seeing the things that can change our perceptions, I've shut everything else out, even the things I love doing. And I'm sure everyone around me sees that all too clearly.
Today is a day that everything changed for a lot of people. September 11th. It's also the day my last boyfriend and I ended out three-year relationship. I guess you could say something bad was bound to happen on this day, but I intend on making the negative a positive. Something has to change, and for the better.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Thursday, September 1, 2005
Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fondler
Yes, I know. Bad Ken. I've been neglecting my journal lately. I've been neglecting the internet period lately. It has its good and bad moments, but I need to find a good balance still.
Well, in the past few weeks, not too much has changed. My friend Bill injured his foot at Bounce, while my boyfriend was being a drunken, belligerent moron. Aaah, alcohol. Mother nature's way to ensure a disasterous time! Work has been driving me insane as well. Never enough time in the day. A few new things of note though: I'm looking into making soap and candles to sell to turn into my own little business, and I'm getting contacts (yes, finally! Tomorrow is my appointment to try out the trial lenses.)
My boyfriend's been doing rather well. We have our moments, but that generally boils downto our frustration. He's frustrated that we don't get to spend enough time with each other, which I understand but can't help right now. He's learning too that spending toomuch time in the house is stressing him out even more. So, this weekend, we're going hiking and spending time away from the great indoors. I have a three-day weekend due to the holiday and I'm determined to make it a good one. Yes, we both need to relieve our stress and frustration better so we don't pick fights with each other, but that will change. But he does need to get over the jealousy thing. If I talk about soaps or researching them online, he gets upset that he's not getting attention anymore. It's quite comical sometimes!
Oh, and an odd thing happened: my former roommate and friend Steve waltzed back into my life. A phone call out of the blue apologizing and seeing how I was doing brought that on. I still need to call him back. Ick. I'm terrible at calling people! That needs to change...
Well, in the past few weeks, not too much has changed. My friend Bill injured his foot at Bounce, while my boyfriend was being a drunken, belligerent moron. Aaah, alcohol. Mother nature's way to ensure a disasterous time! Work has been driving me insane as well. Never enough time in the day. A few new things of note though: I'm looking into making soap and candles to sell to turn into my own little business, and I'm getting contacts (yes, finally! Tomorrow is my appointment to try out the trial lenses.)
My boyfriend's been doing rather well. We have our moments, but that generally boils downto our frustration. He's frustrated that we don't get to spend enough time with each other, which I understand but can't help right now. He's learning too that spending toomuch time in the house is stressing him out even more. So, this weekend, we're going hiking and spending time away from the great indoors. I have a three-day weekend due to the holiday and I'm determined to make it a good one. Yes, we both need to relieve our stress and frustration better so we don't pick fights with each other, but that will change. But he does need to get over the jealousy thing. If I talk about soaps or researching them online, he gets upset that he's not getting attention anymore. It's quite comical sometimes!
Oh, and an odd thing happened: my former roommate and friend Steve waltzed back into my life. A phone call out of the blue apologizing and seeing how I was doing brought that on. I still need to call him back. Ick. I'm terrible at calling people! That needs to change...
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Monday, August 15, 2005
Silence of the Lamps
Today, shopping for accessories for my boyfriend's bedroom with him and his best friend, I had the most awful realization: his best friend annoys the living piss out of me. No, it's not jealousy over him, or fear of losing my boyfriend to an ex, or even feeling left out. He's just damned irritating so much of the time to me.
Our little shopping spree for Roman shades turned into the two of them acting like two queens in a beauty salon picking out sheet sets. Um, hello. This is the bedroom my boyfriend and I sleep in. Shouldn't what goes into it be our decision and not someone else's? And as my boyfriend and I were browsing the home decor sections of Target, I hear "Okay, girls, let's go" echoing through the fluorescent white aisles. Yes, mother, coming right away. I forgot we weren't doing this as a fun night out. We were doing this on his time. He had better things to do, like order porn comic books and dye my boyfriend's hair for the hundredth time. Honestly, the compassion was overflowing.
And to think my boyfriend/future husband has no idea why I don't like spending time with the two of them. Don't get me wrong, Nick's a nice guy and fun to hang out with... Maybe at a bar. But most humans have a built in intuition to know when their thoughts and opinions aren't asked for.
This was only a minor addition to the irritation after waiting for 2 hours to pick up some medicine for my boyfriend, followed by waiting for his best friend to pick out clothing for himself. Oh, yes darling, my life revolves around making sure you look so good for this weekend when we go out to a club and you, once again, give head to some unknown stranger in the parking lot of a bar.
And they say chivalry is dead.
This is why I keep stressing the need for us to break new ground and make new friends. Friends who aren't all about clubbing and partying and drinking til you puke, like his entourage generally seems to be. He fails to notice so many things about them: the fact that they find humor in getting him completely fucked up so they get a good laugh, the using and borrowing indefinitely, the lack of care for his well-being. No, I don't hate his friends. I enjoy them, in small doses and at the right times. But they need to know when to say "no, I shouldn't just stop by unexpectedly. You two should have some time to yourself. I have a life outside of you and should give that equal time."
I do have faith in us finding those people. I already have some very good friends, single and couples, who are genuinely a pleasure to be around, and even the ones I rarely ever get to see or talk to are just as profoundly wonderful. I learned from my good friend Tommy years ago to "cut away the dead wood". If someone isn't a true friend, good-hearted and true to themselves, I drop them like a bad habit. Those people know who they are, because I'm utterly unreachable to them. I don't believe in hatred. It's too strong of a negative emotion. My best defense against tyranny and stupidity is simply not caring. My heart is my strongest asset and I use it to it's fullest power. After all, without love and good friends, what do we really have worth living for?
Our little shopping spree for Roman shades turned into the two of them acting like two queens in a beauty salon picking out sheet sets. Um, hello. This is the bedroom my boyfriend and I sleep in. Shouldn't what goes into it be our decision and not someone else's? And as my boyfriend and I were browsing the home decor sections of Target, I hear "Okay, girls, let's go" echoing through the fluorescent white aisles. Yes, mother, coming right away. I forgot we weren't doing this as a fun night out. We were doing this on his time. He had better things to do, like order porn comic books and dye my boyfriend's hair for the hundredth time. Honestly, the compassion was overflowing.
And to think my boyfriend/future husband has no idea why I don't like spending time with the two of them. Don't get me wrong, Nick's a nice guy and fun to hang out with... Maybe at a bar. But most humans have a built in intuition to know when their thoughts and opinions aren't asked for.
This was only a minor addition to the irritation after waiting for 2 hours to pick up some medicine for my boyfriend, followed by waiting for his best friend to pick out clothing for himself. Oh, yes darling, my life revolves around making sure you look so good for this weekend when we go out to a club and you, once again, give head to some unknown stranger in the parking lot of a bar.
And they say chivalry is dead.
This is why I keep stressing the need for us to break new ground and make new friends. Friends who aren't all about clubbing and partying and drinking til you puke, like his entourage generally seems to be. He fails to notice so many things about them: the fact that they find humor in getting him completely fucked up so they get a good laugh, the using and borrowing indefinitely, the lack of care for his well-being. No, I don't hate his friends. I enjoy them, in small doses and at the right times. But they need to know when to say "no, I shouldn't just stop by unexpectedly. You two should have some time to yourself. I have a life outside of you and should give that equal time."
I do have faith in us finding those people. I already have some very good friends, single and couples, who are genuinely a pleasure to be around, and even the ones I rarely ever get to see or talk to are just as profoundly wonderful. I learned from my good friend Tommy years ago to "cut away the dead wood". If someone isn't a true friend, good-hearted and true to themselves, I drop them like a bad habit. Those people know who they are, because I'm utterly unreachable to them. I don't believe in hatred. It's too strong of a negative emotion. My best defense against tyranny and stupidity is simply not caring. My heart is my strongest asset and I use it to it's fullest power. After all, without love and good friends, what do we really have worth living for?
Monday, August 8, 2005
Beyond Issues and Subscriptions
What a weekend....
Well, I hardly accomplished anything so the painting might be delayed slightly beyond this next weekend. We spelt in too late and went out too late saturday night. It was an embarrassing night for both of us, and I don't think I want to go to Akron for a while!! We both drank way too much and started arguing over who knows what, making a big scene in a very prominent club which shall remain nameless to avoid dramatic rumors from spreading. My head still hurts... (we accidentally butted heads hard when i was going to stand up as he bent down to talk to me. Ouch.)
My boyfriend's friend told us something Sunday that we both realize: we're both so insecure that going out to a club together tends to make each of us overreact and think we're going to lose the other to someone better. It's almost comical at times. We really need to sit down and lay all our issues out on the table to realize how silly we're both being.
In other news, I have big plans for the coming year, and since Ryan never reads this, I can actually say what they are!! hehe We're quickly approaching the one year mark... it's hard to believe we've been together for 9 months now. But I don't want to jump the gun so soon, which is why I'm waiting until the 1 1/2 year point to pop the question.
Yes. THAT one.
I already know what most people I know will say. Way too soon. But when you're sure, why wait 5 years? No, I don't plan on eloping. I figure a year or so being engaged isn't absurd. I've been engaged before in relationships that have only lasted 6 months. Ok, so I was young and foolish.. shoot me! I'm already planning out how I'll go about doing it.... on a trip for two to Prince Edward Island. Maybe at Green Gables. We both loved the books and television series and have been dying to go, so why not?
I'm going to take my time on this though. Usually, when I start planning far ahead is when things mess up, so I don't want to jinx myself. I know I've been neglecting friends a lot lately because of all this, but we had a lot of issues to work out, plus the room redo has been taking lots of money and time. It'll all be over within a week though. The painting will be done soon, furniture and bedding will be a slow process as well. But this is a big step for us. Doing a major project together for us... to make our own space that is unique to us. It'll be a bonding experience if he doesn't kill himself moving furniture by himself, the silly boy.
Well, time to recouperate from work. And tomorrow, there's sanding waiting for us...
Well, I hardly accomplished anything so the painting might be delayed slightly beyond this next weekend. We spelt in too late and went out too late saturday night. It was an embarrassing night for both of us, and I don't think I want to go to Akron for a while!! We both drank way too much and started arguing over who knows what, making a big scene in a very prominent club which shall remain nameless to avoid dramatic rumors from spreading. My head still hurts... (we accidentally butted heads hard when i was going to stand up as he bent down to talk to me. Ouch.)
My boyfriend's friend told us something Sunday that we both realize: we're both so insecure that going out to a club together tends to make each of us overreact and think we're going to lose the other to someone better. It's almost comical at times. We really need to sit down and lay all our issues out on the table to realize how silly we're both being.
In other news, I have big plans for the coming year, and since Ryan never reads this, I can actually say what they are!! hehe We're quickly approaching the one year mark... it's hard to believe we've been together for 9 months now. But I don't want to jump the gun so soon, which is why I'm waiting until the 1 1/2 year point to pop the question.
Yes. THAT one.
I already know what most people I know will say. Way too soon. But when you're sure, why wait 5 years? No, I don't plan on eloping. I figure a year or so being engaged isn't absurd. I've been engaged before in relationships that have only lasted 6 months. Ok, so I was young and foolish.. shoot me! I'm already planning out how I'll go about doing it.... on a trip for two to Prince Edward Island. Maybe at Green Gables. We both loved the books and television series and have been dying to go, so why not?
I'm going to take my time on this though. Usually, when I start planning far ahead is when things mess up, so I don't want to jinx myself. I know I've been neglecting friends a lot lately because of all this, but we had a lot of issues to work out, plus the room redo has been taking lots of money and time. It'll all be over within a week though. The painting will be done soon, furniture and bedding will be a slow process as well. But this is a big step for us. Doing a major project together for us... to make our own space that is unique to us. It'll be a bonding experience if he doesn't kill himself moving furniture by himself, the silly boy.
Well, time to recouperate from work. And tomorrow, there's sanding waiting for us...
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