Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Monday, August 15, 2005
Silence of the Lamps
Today, shopping for accessories for my boyfriend's bedroom with him and his best friend, I had the most awful realization: his best friend annoys the living piss out of me. No, it's not jealousy over him, or fear of losing my boyfriend to an ex, or even feeling left out. He's just damned irritating so much of the time to me.
Our little shopping spree for Roman shades turned into the two of them acting like two queens in a beauty salon picking out sheet sets. Um, hello. This is the bedroom my boyfriend and I sleep in. Shouldn't what goes into it be our decision and not someone else's? And as my boyfriend and I were browsing the home decor sections of Target, I hear "Okay, girls, let's go" echoing through the fluorescent white aisles. Yes, mother, coming right away. I forgot we weren't doing this as a fun night out. We were doing this on his time. He had better things to do, like order porn comic books and dye my boyfriend's hair for the hundredth time. Honestly, the compassion was overflowing.
And to think my boyfriend/future husband has no idea why I don't like spending time with the two of them. Don't get me wrong, Nick's a nice guy and fun to hang out with... Maybe at a bar. But most humans have a built in intuition to know when their thoughts and opinions aren't asked for.
This was only a minor addition to the irritation after waiting for 2 hours to pick up some medicine for my boyfriend, followed by waiting for his best friend to pick out clothing for himself. Oh, yes darling, my life revolves around making sure you look so good for this weekend when we go out to a club and you, once again, give head to some unknown stranger in the parking lot of a bar.
And they say chivalry is dead.
This is why I keep stressing the need for us to break new ground and make new friends. Friends who aren't all about clubbing and partying and drinking til you puke, like his entourage generally seems to be. He fails to notice so many things about them: the fact that they find humor in getting him completely fucked up so they get a good laugh, the using and borrowing indefinitely, the lack of care for his well-being. No, I don't hate his friends. I enjoy them, in small doses and at the right times. But they need to know when to say "no, I shouldn't just stop by unexpectedly. You two should have some time to yourself. I have a life outside of you and should give that equal time."
I do have faith in us finding those people. I already have some very good friends, single and couples, who are genuinely a pleasure to be around, and even the ones I rarely ever get to see or talk to are just as profoundly wonderful. I learned from my good friend Tommy years ago to "cut away the dead wood". If someone isn't a true friend, good-hearted and true to themselves, I drop them like a bad habit. Those people know who they are, because I'm utterly unreachable to them. I don't believe in hatred. It's too strong of a negative emotion. My best defense against tyranny and stupidity is simply not caring. My heart is my strongest asset and I use it to it's fullest power. After all, without love and good friends, what do we really have worth living for?
Our little shopping spree for Roman shades turned into the two of them acting like two queens in a beauty salon picking out sheet sets. Um, hello. This is the bedroom my boyfriend and I sleep in. Shouldn't what goes into it be our decision and not someone else's? And as my boyfriend and I were browsing the home decor sections of Target, I hear "Okay, girls, let's go" echoing through the fluorescent white aisles. Yes, mother, coming right away. I forgot we weren't doing this as a fun night out. We were doing this on his time. He had better things to do, like order porn comic books and dye my boyfriend's hair for the hundredth time. Honestly, the compassion was overflowing.
And to think my boyfriend/future husband has no idea why I don't like spending time with the two of them. Don't get me wrong, Nick's a nice guy and fun to hang out with... Maybe at a bar. But most humans have a built in intuition to know when their thoughts and opinions aren't asked for.
This was only a minor addition to the irritation after waiting for 2 hours to pick up some medicine for my boyfriend, followed by waiting for his best friend to pick out clothing for himself. Oh, yes darling, my life revolves around making sure you look so good for this weekend when we go out to a club and you, once again, give head to some unknown stranger in the parking lot of a bar.
And they say chivalry is dead.
This is why I keep stressing the need for us to break new ground and make new friends. Friends who aren't all about clubbing and partying and drinking til you puke, like his entourage generally seems to be. He fails to notice so many things about them: the fact that they find humor in getting him completely fucked up so they get a good laugh, the using and borrowing indefinitely, the lack of care for his well-being. No, I don't hate his friends. I enjoy them, in small doses and at the right times. But they need to know when to say "no, I shouldn't just stop by unexpectedly. You two should have some time to yourself. I have a life outside of you and should give that equal time."
I do have faith in us finding those people. I already have some very good friends, single and couples, who are genuinely a pleasure to be around, and even the ones I rarely ever get to see or talk to are just as profoundly wonderful. I learned from my good friend Tommy years ago to "cut away the dead wood". If someone isn't a true friend, good-hearted and true to themselves, I drop them like a bad habit. Those people know who they are, because I'm utterly unreachable to them. I don't believe in hatred. It's too strong of a negative emotion. My best defense against tyranny and stupidity is simply not caring. My heart is my strongest asset and I use it to it's fullest power. After all, without love and good friends, what do we really have worth living for?
Monday, August 8, 2005
Beyond Issues and Subscriptions
What a weekend....
Well, I hardly accomplished anything so the painting might be delayed slightly beyond this next weekend. We spelt in too late and went out too late saturday night. It was an embarrassing night for both of us, and I don't think I want to go to Akron for a while!! We both drank way too much and started arguing over who knows what, making a big scene in a very prominent club which shall remain nameless to avoid dramatic rumors from spreading. My head still hurts... (we accidentally butted heads hard when i was going to stand up as he bent down to talk to me. Ouch.)
My boyfriend's friend told us something Sunday that we both realize: we're both so insecure that going out to a club together tends to make each of us overreact and think we're going to lose the other to someone better. It's almost comical at times. We really need to sit down and lay all our issues out on the table to realize how silly we're both being.
In other news, I have big plans for the coming year, and since Ryan never reads this, I can actually say what they are!! hehe We're quickly approaching the one year mark... it's hard to believe we've been together for 9 months now. But I don't want to jump the gun so soon, which is why I'm waiting until the 1 1/2 year point to pop the question.
Yes. THAT one.
I already know what most people I know will say. Way too soon. But when you're sure, why wait 5 years? No, I don't plan on eloping. I figure a year or so being engaged isn't absurd. I've been engaged before in relationships that have only lasted 6 months. Ok, so I was young and foolish.. shoot me! I'm already planning out how I'll go about doing it.... on a trip for two to Prince Edward Island. Maybe at Green Gables. We both loved the books and television series and have been dying to go, so why not?
I'm going to take my time on this though. Usually, when I start planning far ahead is when things mess up, so I don't want to jinx myself. I know I've been neglecting friends a lot lately because of all this, but we had a lot of issues to work out, plus the room redo has been taking lots of money and time. It'll all be over within a week though. The painting will be done soon, furniture and bedding will be a slow process as well. But this is a big step for us. Doing a major project together for us... to make our own space that is unique to us. It'll be a bonding experience if he doesn't kill himself moving furniture by himself, the silly boy.
Well, time to recouperate from work. And tomorrow, there's sanding waiting for us...
Well, I hardly accomplished anything so the painting might be delayed slightly beyond this next weekend. We spelt in too late and went out too late saturday night. It was an embarrassing night for both of us, and I don't think I want to go to Akron for a while!! We both drank way too much and started arguing over who knows what, making a big scene in a very prominent club which shall remain nameless to avoid dramatic rumors from spreading. My head still hurts... (we accidentally butted heads hard when i was going to stand up as he bent down to talk to me. Ouch.)
My boyfriend's friend told us something Sunday that we both realize: we're both so insecure that going out to a club together tends to make each of us overreact and think we're going to lose the other to someone better. It's almost comical at times. We really need to sit down and lay all our issues out on the table to realize how silly we're both being.
In other news, I have big plans for the coming year, and since Ryan never reads this, I can actually say what they are!! hehe We're quickly approaching the one year mark... it's hard to believe we've been together for 9 months now. But I don't want to jump the gun so soon, which is why I'm waiting until the 1 1/2 year point to pop the question.
Yes. THAT one.
I already know what most people I know will say. Way too soon. But when you're sure, why wait 5 years? No, I don't plan on eloping. I figure a year or so being engaged isn't absurd. I've been engaged before in relationships that have only lasted 6 months. Ok, so I was young and foolish.. shoot me! I'm already planning out how I'll go about doing it.... on a trip for two to Prince Edward Island. Maybe at Green Gables. We both loved the books and television series and have been dying to go, so why not?
I'm going to take my time on this though. Usually, when I start planning far ahead is when things mess up, so I don't want to jinx myself. I know I've been neglecting friends a lot lately because of all this, but we had a lot of issues to work out, plus the room redo has been taking lots of money and time. It'll all be over within a week though. The painting will be done soon, furniture and bedding will be a slow process as well. But this is a big step for us. Doing a major project together for us... to make our own space that is unique to us. It'll be a bonding experience if he doesn't kill himself moving furniture by himself, the silly boy.
Well, time to recouperate from work. And tomorrow, there's sanding waiting for us...
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Ding-Dong, Avon Calling!
It was a very good and strange weekend. Ghosthunting, spending time with the husband, and feeling worked to death. And then, this afternoon, the unthinkable happened...
...I met the ex-boyfriend.
Out of the blue, while I was with my boyfriend, the phone rang. His ex called. Wanted to stop over. *GULP* Talk about a situation that can cause panic in the most confident people!! And to make things better, he was only half an hour away.
We were in the kitchen when he pulled up. My heart completely stopped dead. I had heard that he was a "big guy, like me" so I guess I expected a chunky boy to climb out of the car. Nope. This guy was BUILT, tan, and friggin HOT!! I couldn't think of anything to say, and yes, I was a little intimidated. Huge arms. Slightly taller than me. Wow. He looks EXACTLY how I've always wanted to look. It reminded me of a line from Broken Hearts Club: "I want to be Cole! Why can't I be Cole??"
Insecure, party of one, your table's ready.
We all talked for a short time before I had to go. He was a really nice guy. He even said if I ever need a ride over to see my boyfriend, he'd be happy to pick me up, and we all three can go out to a club some time. It's not fair! Exes are supposed to be despicable characters no one likes, not attractive, nice guys! I definitely don't mind him being in my boyfriend's life. He seems like he'd be a good person to have around. Ryan needs more friends. If they're an ex, so be it. Hell, I'm friends with a few of my exes too. If he can trust me, I have no reason to worry. If he hasn't left me in 8 months, he's not going to pick up and leave like that. There's too much love there.
So, for the first time, I'm throwing my insecurities away. If I always worry about him running off with someone better than me, one day it'll happen. The mind is a powerful thing and creates its own reality sometimes like that. This could be the opening of a new chapter for us... New (and old) friends, a social life, a new look for his bedroom (yes, he finally decided on the colors!) Things are swell right now. I'm not about to let past issues and events come back to haunt me and ruin something this wonderful. I love Ryan. I believe in him. And we have a long journey still ahead of us. Be it bumpy or smooth, I'm sure it'll be a wonderful trip!
...I met the ex-boyfriend.
Out of the blue, while I was with my boyfriend, the phone rang. His ex called. Wanted to stop over. *GULP* Talk about a situation that can cause panic in the most confident people!! And to make things better, he was only half an hour away.
We were in the kitchen when he pulled up. My heart completely stopped dead. I had heard that he was a "big guy, like me" so I guess I expected a chunky boy to climb out of the car. Nope. This guy was BUILT, tan, and friggin HOT!! I couldn't think of anything to say, and yes, I was a little intimidated. Huge arms. Slightly taller than me. Wow. He looks EXACTLY how I've always wanted to look. It reminded me of a line from Broken Hearts Club: "I want to be Cole! Why can't I be Cole??"
Insecure, party of one, your table's ready.
We all talked for a short time before I had to go. He was a really nice guy. He even said if I ever need a ride over to see my boyfriend, he'd be happy to pick me up, and we all three can go out to a club some time. It's not fair! Exes are supposed to be despicable characters no one likes, not attractive, nice guys! I definitely don't mind him being in my boyfriend's life. He seems like he'd be a good person to have around. Ryan needs more friends. If they're an ex, so be it. Hell, I'm friends with a few of my exes too. If he can trust me, I have no reason to worry. If he hasn't left me in 8 months, he's not going to pick up and leave like that. There's too much love there.
So, for the first time, I'm throwing my insecurities away. If I always worry about him running off with someone better than me, one day it'll happen. The mind is a powerful thing and creates its own reality sometimes like that. This could be the opening of a new chapter for us... New (and old) friends, a social life, a new look for his bedroom (yes, he finally decided on the colors!) Things are swell right now. I'm not about to let past issues and events come back to haunt me and ruin something this wonderful. I love Ryan. I believe in him. And we have a long journey still ahead of us. Be it bumpy or smooth, I'm sure it'll be a wonderful trip!
Monday, July 25, 2005
Text From the Crypt
It was a night like any other. Until the strange text message came flashing across my cell phone.
An old ghost from my past mistakenly sent me a message. Cue Rod Serling.
It's funny how one moment, even an area code,can bring your mind racing back to moments in your past you wish never happened. Stupid, childish times. Harsh words. Anger and battles best never fought in the first place.
Yet we all have demons in our closet. Some of us can block them out. Others, like myself, never learn to forget our shame, guilt, and horrible feelings. Moments like this make me think of everything I have done in my life for which I have not made ammends. Sour times when responsibility could have saved many people from so much trouble.
Alas, some things we bury and forget. It is not to lessen their significance, but to press onward, toward a brighter future. Nothing can change the past, but anything can change the future. That chapter in my life is closed. The future unwritten.
And as they say, everything happens for a reason...
An old ghost from my past mistakenly sent me a message. Cue Rod Serling.
It's funny how one moment, even an area code,can bring your mind racing back to moments in your past you wish never happened. Stupid, childish times. Harsh words. Anger and battles best never fought in the first place.
Yet we all have demons in our closet. Some of us can block them out. Others, like myself, never learn to forget our shame, guilt, and horrible feelings. Moments like this make me think of everything I have done in my life for which I have not made ammends. Sour times when responsibility could have saved many people from so much trouble.
Alas, some things we bury and forget. It is not to lessen their significance, but to press onward, toward a brighter future. Nothing can change the past, but anything can change the future. That chapter in my life is closed. The future unwritten.
And as they say, everything happens for a reason...
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