History Will Teach Us Nothing

Ok, so I haven't been posting on this lately. Sue me.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Not much is new here. My boyfriend swore off drinking, and aside from a couple slip-ups, he's been sticking to it. We've both been stressed lately so it's been a rough haul. Certain not-so-good people are out of the picture now, and I'm glad. Even though some certain emails have had the mark of the beast on them, I'm letting the drama some people are trying to circulate die in its origins. If people try to make my life miserable, they won't succeed.

I've started writing a bit again, which is a welcomed change. I've been away from it for too long. Lately, I've been neglecting too many things in the attempt to make everyone happy. And, of course, my own happiness has suffered from it. Though I'd like everything to be perfect, I know that won't happen all the time.

There have been some rough times and hurt feelings lately, and not all of it has been intentional. I feel sometimes like some people have a problem with my boyfriend because of the past, but none of us are perfect. He's done a lot wrong and made a lot of mistakes, but he's working on changing his life for the better. I just wish the past would stay there, but the past is an inescapable horror sometimes that we're all doomed to have hanging over us. All we can do is press onward and hope for the best.

In three weeks, my boyfriend and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary. Hopefully it will be a good one. I'm hoping to figure out something special for that day involving our friends, as well as some alone time for us. It's been a rough year, but we've survived it all. I do believe there's cause to celebrate. And yes, it seems as though lately we've been inseparable. In many ways, we have become a united front. I do still enjoy my time to myself, but we both feel like we don't get to spend enough time together still. That may not always be something people are happy with, but when you have no social life, you don't want to be social while the husband sits at home staring at a wall. Neither of us are happy being left out.

Feeling the Itch

Another long week has come and gone... or has it?

The past weekend was a doozie. The boyfriend's been a big ball of stress, not sure what to do, feeling trapped, feeling the weight of the world on him, and losing it at every turn. It's been a challenge to stand beside him through it all, but I know he needs the support. Sunday, I noticed a few pimples forming, and thought the stress was finally taking its toll on my body.

Monday morning, pimples were forming all over my forehead. That night, I felt feverish and had trouble sleeping. By tuesday,my face was covered with red bumps. Would it ever end?? I thought I was turning into a pubescent child again. My boyfriend swore it must be an allergic reaction, since they weren't coming to a head. Last night was rough and the worrying set in for me. I finally decided to call off work to go to the doctors today.

I sat and waited in the office, now expecting the worst. I had already diagnosed myself in my mind, and my nightmare was true: it wasn't pimples, it was chicken pox. I was shown around like a lab rat to a med student, since pox are as rare as polio anymore with all the vaccines out there. Then, after being lead out the emergency exit to avoid exposing anyone in the waiting area, headed over to get my meds. Five days of pills and no contact with anyone until it dries up. I'm determined to be better by the weekend if it kills me, so we'll have to see how that goes. The itching is driving me insane and I hope I have a chance to see the boyfriend this weekend. I'll have to play that by ear...

I know i said I needed a vacation, but this isn't what I meant!!!

"God always has another cream pie up his sleeve."
- 'Georgie Girl'

The Agony of Defeet (sic)

Another weekend has come and gone. Although this one was far more dull than most others. With my family out of town, I was caught in the clutches of cat sitting for the better part of the weekend, feeling trapped and confined and wishing I were anywhere but home. Both myself and my boyfriend were frustrated that we didn't get hardly any time to spend together, so it's made for a difficult start to the week.

Yesterday, we did head out to the mall after work for a little shopping. I finally made an important purchase: new shoes! Sketchers were on sale, and he convinced me to go with brown, after a long debate over whether or not it would "clash" with any of my clothing. I gave in and bought them anyway. We then had dinner at Friday's and headed back for home, after visiting his mother in the hospital.

That night, he had a bit of a breakdown in front of me. The stress of his family and feeling like he hasn't accomplished anything yet in his life finally sent him over, ranting and raving and losing his temper at everything. I was patient and finally calmed him down. We talked for a good hour about everything going on in his mind and mine. The rest of the night went smoothly, before another early morning of me going off to work. Such is the life of a bread-winner, I guess!

Today's been rather difficult for me though. We talk every day on the phone when I get home from work. Today shouldn't have been any exception, except for a glitch: his phone at home has been "temporarily disconnected"; in other words, with his mother in the hospital, no one bothered to pay the phone bill. So, for the past several hours, I've been trying to keep my mind off of worrying about if he's ok. Knowing how stressed he already is, combined with his one lifeline cut off, and adding in the fact that his friend Nick cancelled on him without telling him... I tend to fear the worst. I'm hoping he went to visit his mother in the hospital and tell her about the phone, possibly call his father from there and inform him, so it can be turned back on. Otherwise, all I can do is wait until either tomorrow or Friday when i get a chance to see him again. I know he wouldn't do anything stupid, but I fear for his sanity above all else. He has no means of escape at this very moment... no drugs, alcohol, car, phone, internet, reliable friends,...

I just hope when I get to see him soon he's relatively stable and not a mental case. To add to it, my friend Steve called and left a message that he was heading to the hospital-and from my experience with him, that's never a good thing. Needless to say, sleep might be a difficult option for me tonight. So much going on, and not a damned thing I can do about any of it....

By The Pricking of My Thumbs...

Well, all in all, this hasn't been a perfect day. I'm cat sitting for the weekend (thrilling, I know) and that means I have no definite plans and can't stay away for too long any day for my three-day weekend. It won't be too bad, though. I'll be able to get outside, weather permitting, and if a miracle happens, I might be able to see the boyfriend at some point over the weekend (which is doubtful, since his friend Nick is as reliable as a broken clock.)

Other than that, tomorrow is a short day at work, thankfully. Too much work and no time to have anything that resembles a life isn't healthy. Time to try to branch out and start doing things again without being exhausted from work and just wanting to be in a catatonic state.

In other news... I tried to repierce my ear tonight. Scary, huh? Let's just say I was feeling "primitive" and had one of those random thoughts that seem utterly stupid pop into my head. Trying to push the earring through the closed-up hole didn't work. (How smart of me to think it might!) I grabbed a sewing needle and, after 3 pauses to try to muster up the courage, pushed it through. Aah, success!! Or was it...? I took the needle out and tried putting the earring in. It stopped halfway because, try as I might, I couldn't find the hole on the opposite side of my ear! Oh, the frustration!! I finally gave up and put some ice on it. It's not even bleeding, which is odd since when I have had my ears pierced in the past, they bleed like I'm about to die.

So much for an attempt to handle this one on my own!!

Mary Jane's Mistress

I have never been so happily miserable before in life. Lately, the husband's been on a marijuana binge, so to speak. For nearly two weeks now, from the time he wakes up til the time he goes to bed, he's smoking almost constantly. Honestly, I don't know what to do about it anymore.
Whenever alcohol or pot is involved, we fight like cats and dogs. Today, after being bitched at all morning long over anything (not intentionally though... I was simply the best target for his morning crankiness) and staring at that smug dope-induced grin staring down at me while I was hurting inside, I snapped. He was on top of me so I grabbed his hair to get him off me. Of course, to him, I had done something wrong unprovoked. He always says "I didn't do anything", and sometimes I believe he truly feels that way.

But other times, it's almost as if he's intentionally doing and saying things to push me so far I snap and walk out on him forever. I've tried my best to understand him and I came up with the realization that I can't right now. It's like beong with a wild mustang I'm trying to tame, but in the act of trying to break him in, it's breaking myself. No one I have ever known can bring out the anger and frustration I sometimes feel. Honestly, either I need counseling, he does, or we both do. I tend to agree more with the latter. In the mean time, I'm going to try to get back into the routine of having a world outside of him. Him being everything to me isn't very healthy. I've been neglecting my world too much in the effort of making him see the world outside of our existance. In trying to stop him from escaping through substances and seeing the things that can change our perceptions, I've shut everything else out, even the things I love doing. And I'm sure everyone around me sees that all too clearly.

Today is a day that everything changed for a lot of people. September 11th. It's also the day my last boyfriend and I ended out three-year relationship. I guess you could say something bad was bound to happen on this day, but I intend on making the negative a positive. Something has to change, and for the better.