Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Nothing More Than Feelings...

It's another week of writer's block and emotional outbursts for me. While last week ended on a very good and positive note, the past several days have flipped that coin upside-down.

I think it probably began with the this weekend's festivities. Bickering, snobbery, and irritation reigned supreme. Coupled with the lack of sleep, it was extremely draining. Is it my imagination or do people feel the need to complain and aggravate others just to make their days better? Is it not possible for a group of people to spend time together without putting people down, being mean to each other, or have a reckless disregard for others?

As I began catching up on sleep, I couldn't shake that not-so-chipper feeling. Little things began weighing on my mind. Everything felt personal. I could literally feel the tension building in my chest. I felt the urge to break down and cry. Sanctuary seemed to be an impossibility. Although a knight in shining armor broke the monotony with a comedic line from a movie, sending me back into some form of normality, as a new day dawned today the same feelings returned. I felt like a burden. I felt like the world's problems were all my burden. I had to step back and take a breath.

I'm sorry, I have my own baggage. Do I look like a porter?

Everyone around me is in some type of turmoil, and the caring part of me wants to fix everything but doesn't know how. I enjoy being there for friends. I care deeply about my friends (even the ones who could care less about me). I'm not saying that I want everyone to back off, just spilling out my own emotions in the only way I ever seem to know how (and get away with doing): by writing them down.

I feel mildly better knowing my friend Chris is going through the same bout of melancholia as I am. But even that is a two-way street: I want to make him feel better while I don't even know how to make myself feel better. My mind feels like a complete chaos of thoughts. I have so much to get finished over the next few weeks yet it's not easy to focus on any one thing.

And then there's my traditional worry: that friends who read this will interpret it as a personal attack, which it isn't. I have a tendency to vent and have it misinterpreted by those close to me. It's just my way of saying, "Sometimes, I have those days where I need to release the tension that I keep bottled up inside so I won't explode." I have a trunk full of worries and fears tucked out of view on a constant basis. There aren't very many people in my life who I can feel openly comfortable unloading my tension upon and end up feeling better.

We all have those moments in our lives where we wish life came with some form of return or exchange policy. Trade in your used-up emotions, mistakes, and follies in return for a clean slate. We strive for perfection, falter along the way, and feel rotten when life ends up imperfect. yet that's what life is: imperfection. It's a learning experience. Accidents do happen. Milk is spilled. People get hurt. We forget that no matter how much we want life to be what we want, it ends up being what it is meant to be.

In the end, we make do with things. We try our best to make life tolerable. We either forgive mistakes or bury them behind us. We cope. The horizon stretches out far in the distance and as long as our eyes remain fixed on what awaits us, we can make it through another day.


Liam said...

That is beautifully deep Kenny! As the old song goes "Hard Time, Come Again No More!"

Chris said...

Well Kenny, like you wrote on my blog, I am always here for you and I worry about you all the time too, just ask Bill how much I mention you. I want to help you so much too and we can together. I am always here for you too, your a dear and trusted friend and has been faithful to me all these years. I know I need to confide more in my friends and not fear them so much. I am here for you always Ken, I love you very much and am sending you a warm hug too!

Anonymous said...

Very well put. And ohh. *clears throat* HOW DARE YOU, I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO YOU! Just kidding, thought I would throw that in. There is nothing wrong with venting and a true friend if they feel attacked should talk to you about it first before jumping to conclusions (although I am sure we all do it one time or another). So at any time, I am so far from judgemental, vent away. :-)

Anonymous said...

I am going to get both you and Chris together and silly sting you into happiness. If that doesn't work, I will release monkeys on your ass to tickle you till you pee.

Jeanne said...

Hey, Ken
no names please has an excellent idea. I find that monkeys ticking one's ass works as an immediate lift to the spirit!
Another good one is saying one word over and over in diferent ways - loud, soft, slow, fast, questioning tone, giggling, high, basso, after a while, you start laughing.
I know it's ridiculous, but that's the entire idea!

Cullan Hudson said...

Well, I don't know about the monkey idea... But I have noticed that Tucson Buck, You, and myself have all lost posting steam this week. Is it a first of Summer thing? I told myself I would post today and I did nothing but mess around with Photoshop all morning then go shopping for a new washing machine.