It's another week of writer's block and emotional outbursts for me. While last week ended on a very good and positive note, the past several days have flipped that coin upside-down.
I think it probably began with the this weekend's festivities. Bickering, snobbery, and irritation reigned supreme. Coupled with the lack of sleep, it was extremely draining. Is it my imagination or do people feel the need to complain and aggravate others just to make their days better? Is it not possible for a group of people to spend time together without putting people down, being mean to each other, or have a reckless disregard for others?
As I began catching up on sleep, I couldn't shake that not-so-chipper feeling. Little things began weighing on my mind. Everything felt personal. I could literally feel the tension building in my chest. I felt the urge to break down and cry. Sanctuary seemed to be an impossibility. Although a knight in shining armor broke the monotony with a comedic line from a movie, sending me back into some form of normality, as a new day dawned today the same feelings returned. I felt like a burden. I felt like the world's problems were all my burden. I had to step back and take a breath.
I'm sorry, I have my own baggage. Do I look like a porter?
Everyone around me is in some type of turmoil, and the caring part of me wants to fix everything but doesn't know how. I enjoy being there for friends. I care deeply about my friends (even the ones who could care less about me). I'm not saying that I want everyone to back off, just spilling out my own emotions in the only way I ever seem to know how (and get away with doing): by writing them down.
I feel mildly better knowing my friend Chris is going through the same bout of melancholia as I am. But even that is a two-way street: I want to make him feel better while I don't even know how to make myself feel better. My mind feels like a complete chaos of thoughts. I have so much to get finished over the next few weeks yet it's not easy to focus on any one thing.
And then there's my traditional worry: that friends who read this will interpret it as a personal attack, which it isn't. I have a tendency to vent and have it misinterpreted by those close to me. It's just my way of saying, "Sometimes, I have those days where I need to release the tension that I keep bottled up inside so I won't explode." I have a trunk full of worries and fears tucked out of view on a constant basis. There aren't very many people in my life who I can feel openly comfortable unloading my tension upon and end up feeling better.
We all have those moments in our lives where we wish life came with some form of return or exchange policy. Trade in your used-up emotions, mistakes, and follies in return for a clean slate. We strive for perfection, falter along the way, and feel rotten when life ends up imperfect. yet that's what life is: imperfection. It's a learning experience. Accidents do happen. Milk is spilled. People get hurt. We forget that no matter how much we want life to be what we want, it ends up being what it is meant to be.
In the end, we make do with things. We try our best to make life tolerable. We either forgive mistakes or bury them behind us. We cope. The horizon stretches out far in the distance and as long as our eyes remain fixed on what awaits us, we can make it through another day.