I don't know why, but lately I've just been feeling a bit funky. Not in some 70s disco-type manner, either. Just sort of 'eh'. Listless. Frustrated. Irritable.
One possible cause would be my birthday. In exactly one week, I turn 29. My Thirties are looming on the horizon and that "christ-I-haven't-accomplished-hardly-any-goals" depressive mindset is sneaking up again. It'll be another day, like most others. Little fanfare. Cruddy weather. I think what makes this one more poignant to me is my former friend, Chris. He committed suicide 16 days after his 29th birthday. Whoever said that your 20s is the best part of your life was obviously in a drunken stupor through them all. Though they haven't all been bad, April 15th means that chaotic decade of my life is almost at an end.
Secondly, I've once again been on the push to quit smoking. An absence of nicotine makes for irritability. I haven't quit outright, knowing what a nightmare I would be while going through withdrawal, but I have cut very far down. I'm averaging between 4 and 6 cigarettes a day... down from 20-25. I started almost 8 years ago. No, it wasn't "peer pressure"... simply curiosity. Now, I can't stand the habit, but I hate chewing any gum, let along nicotine gum. The patch makes you reek of ammonia... the nicotine water is ridiculously expensive and difficult to find. Medicines? Forget that. Even more absurdly priced. It's sad that they want people to quit but make all means of quitting outrageously expensive!
Lastly, I've been thinking back to my earlier college days of "finding myself". During these times, I'd go on my own version of a Walkabout, crossing the country and trying to figure out where my places in the world was. I traveled far and wide... and it made me feel alive. Meeting new people, seeing new places... I've never been content with limiting my world to my own back yard. Yet, for the last 4 years, that's basically what I have done. I feel disgustingly stagnant. Trapped. Lost. I'm still searching for that life I've always wanted, even if I ever find out exactly what it is. I want that average, relatively-normal relationship... the feeling of making an impact on the world... "living the right life."
This year is proving to be one of the most chaotic and unpredictable I've ever had. In the coming 8 1/2 months, I'm still trying to keep optimistic about the progress with everything. Still, there are times when even I have my doubts.
Blame it on planetary alignment or not doing enough to facilitate change. Either way, I'm hoping for a new awakening and enlightenment soon...