One possible cause would be my birthday. In exactly one week, I turn 29. My Thirties are looming on the horizon and that "christ-I-haven't-accomplished-hardly-any-goals" depressive mindset is sneaking up again. It'll be another day, like most others. Little fanfare. Cruddy weather. I think what makes this one more poignant to me is my former friend, Chris. He committed suicide 16 days after his 29th birthday. Whoever said that your 20s is the best part of your life was obviously in a drunken stupor through them all. Though they haven't all been bad, April 15th means that chaotic decade of my life is almost at an end.Secondly, I've once again been on the push to quit smoking. An absence of nicotine makes for irritability. I haven't quit outright, knowing what a nightmare I would be while going through withdrawal, but I have cut very far down. I'm averaging between 4 and 6 cigarettes a day... down from 20-25. I started almost 8 years ago. No, it wasn't "peer pressure"... simply curiosity. Now, I can't stand the habit, but I hate chewing any gum, let along nicotine gum. The patch makes you reek of ammonia... the nicotine water is ridiculously expensive and difficult to find. Medicines? Forget that. Even more absurdly priced. It's sad that they want people to quit but make all means of quitting outrageously expensive!
Lastly, I've been thinking back to my earlier college days of "finding myself". During these times, I'd go on my own version of a Walkabout, crossing the country and trying to figure out where my places in the world was. I traveled far and wide... and it made me feel alive. Meeting new people, seeing new places... I've never been content with limiting my world to my own back yard. Yet, for the last 4 years, that's basically what I have done. I feel disgustingly stagnant. Trapped. Lost. I'm still searching for that life I've always wanted, even if I ever find out exactly what it is. I want that average, relatively-normal relationship... the feeling of making an impact on the world... "living the right life."
This year is proving to be one of the most chaotic and unpredictable I've ever had. In the coming 8 1/2 months, I'm still trying to keep optimistic about the progress with everything. Still, there are times when even I have my doubts.Blame it on planetary alignment or not doing enough to facilitate change. Either way, I'm hoping for a new awakening and enlightenment soon...
5 comments:
I understand what you are saying. I am also always trying to learn more and strive to do something important. Make a difference. But what I realized instead of stressing myself out over this (which occasionaly I still do) I just look at all the ways I have accomplished things and helped people around me. I feel right with you getting closer to 30 and feeling like I haven't accomplished what I have wanted to yet. I have invisioned being in a totally different state of living by now but life isn't perfect. Be happy for what you have. You have many great friends :-)
I think we've all been there. But it takes that big jump in life to see things differently. For me, moving from Murray, ky to NYC was my wake up call
In the end, only YOU can change your life. There is no white knight coming on a steed to rescue you from your life.
At 37 my life has been through several "incarnations" and I was the catalyst for all those changes. I can still envision some of the life situations I could still be living in if I chose.
Yes life ebbs and flows like a river, but that doesn't mean you don't sometimes have to dig that new bend in the stream!
I know and understand, as you know me I am a walking nightmare, but am here for you as much as your there for me. I know I should never give advice on life as like I mentioned above, I am a walking nightmare lol So I will just say your a very special and loving guy. You do have the world at your feet and along time to accomplish it all still. I know even I at 38 is still pretty young to get things done as well. I guess what I can say that has motivated me to get what I have now in jobs and homes and cars and such is one, The Jeffersons theme song about struggling and making it up to a better place in ones life. And two the saying from the movie Working Girl, "You Make it Happen" I had to make mine happen, as no one was willing to get it for me. but all of us here, your friends who love you so dear are her to help you and guide you along but I know in the end "You must make it Happen' and I know you will, you have the talent and smarts and the personality to have it, you just need to drive to go and get it. Many warm Huggs and we will be celebrating your birthday next, as I am not letting yours slip by as you put yourself into making mine special sweetie! Warm Huggs!
"Yet, for the last 4 years, that's basically what I have done. I feel disgustingly stagnant. Trapped. Lost. I'm still searching for that life I've always wanted, even if I ever find out exactly what it is."
I've found that we don't need to search if we just let it come it will. I know the feeling of being trapped. After my transplant last year I wanted to change everything I felt so alive again after being so sick and facing death very squarely. But it seemed it would never happen. We were stuck in a small town with huge medical bills and it seemed like that was going to be our lives. I got very depressed for quite awhile this fall. Finally, I decided to just let it go and try to be content where I was with what I had. Almost immediately, we got the chance to move to Tucson and within 3 weeks we were gone. Strangely, when I decided to just let go with relationships that's when Michael came walking into my life. Sometimes wanting too much blocks our getting.
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